I am Second - Ashley

After sharing some of my struggle with eating disorders, with the girls in my Home Group, they asked if I had seen this video. I hadn’t, but I was curious. Just watched it, and cried. She would say, “I hated myself”. And I remember the feeling of looking at myself in the mirror and hating me, all of me, not just what I saw on the outside, but what I thought was on the inside.



I used to say I was the product of a broken home. My real parents divorced when I was young, and I always felt rejected by my dad, for leaving and for never being around. I blamed myself, there had to be something wrong with me. But I was young, and didn’t know how to say these things.

I experienced a lot of sadness at an early age, with my parents divorce, my grandparents dying, then my mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was in the 5th grade. She had remarried, and life seemed great for once, till then. After a short battle, she passed the week of Mother’s Day. I remember because we had been working on Mother’s Day presents at school. The teacher held mine till the end of the year. It was a knitted string with potpourri attached.

Her husband, my step-dad, offered to adopt my sister and me. And so we were a family of hurting people, a widow and orphans. While he did, what I believe was his best, his best was out pain and hurt, and often times would spill out to us in his words. I became lazy, immature, and selfish in his eyes, and I began to feel rejected again. This continued for years. And I hid it all. Never talking about the rejection, or the feeling that I didn’t deserve to be loved. And the more things happened, the more I hid my feelings. My life was always out of my control, the things I wanted (a home, a family, love) always seemed just out of reach.

It started my junior year of high school. I was sitting in Physics, turned in my desk, when I tried to get up, my hips got stuck. Of course, I was in front of a row of guys who burst into laughter. I know they didn’t mean anything, but that was something that stuck in me. I knew I had to take control of something, so I stopped eating, and prom coming up, only fueled that fire. I bought my dress, that I was going to be wearing to two events. It fit perfect for the 1st event, and then 2 weeks later I had lost so much weight that it had to be taken in 2” on both sides. I was getting compliments on my looks, people were taking notice of me. It felt great! I loved it! But I began to fear that if I ate anything, I would lose all control.

Then it happened. People started acting concerned. A friend of mine got me alone and said I looked like death warmed over. I hadn’t realized how much weight I had lost, but I was going down in sizes every week almost. But at that moment I, realized that something was wrong and I needed to fix it. But when I started eating, I still had no control, and now instead of feeling light, I felt burdened and weighted down with everything. How could I change that? And the bulimia began.

That was my senior year. Half the time eating, the other half purging. I battled for years, into college, marriage, children. I was 26, and at the end of my rope. I was one step away from just ending the pain all together. I didn’t realize why I was hurting emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. There wasn’t a part of me that was ever truly happy or at peace. I hated myself, I felt unlovable, rejected, I was an orphan. I had no real family, and why was it that the husband and children I had didn’t satisfy?

God led me to a dear woman who has become a great friend. All she did, was make herself available to me, to listen. I spent 2 years telling my story to her. At first things were worse, but then, I started to see a light. God put me on a path to show me how much He loved me. That I belonged to Him. I wasn’t an orphan I belonged to Him. I was His child. He was all the family I ever needed. He was all I needed.

The road has been long, and riddled with stumbling, but He has held me. His word is true when it says that He holds us up, I have felt that in my life when I have fallen flat on my face, He was still holding me. “In Christ Alone” has become one of my favorite hymns. I love where it says, “I am His and He is mine.” It sums up the feeling of belonging. I belong to Christ, He has not rejected me, He has loved me before I was even born. He has given His life as my ransom. I love Him for all that He did, that I did not deserve.

And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

In the light

Ephesians 5:13-14But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

I love this verse! One of my favorite types of contrast is dark and light, and I think this verse is a great example of that. In the darkness things remain cloaked, hidden. But in the light they are exposed. But this passage goes a little farther, and says that those things that become visible are light! I've been meditating on this for a few weeks now, and today I read a passage from C. S. Lewis' Mere Christianity.

"...Just as the roof of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is light, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it."

God is moving me to areas where my life will be exposed. This scares me. I am a flawed person, and knowing that being in the light and being a light will most likely reveal those flaws, I want to just stay hidden.

But God wants us to come to Him, to be in His light, to reflect His light. He is not drawn to us because we have no flaws, but because He loves us, and wants to heal us, to make us like Him.

Lord, I love Your light! I love that it reveals my flaws, my sins. Knowing and seeing my sins in Your light brings truth, and truth, Your truth, sets me free. Your truth saves me.

Psalm 36:9For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.

Blah, Blah, Blah...

James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.

Wow! Talk about convicting! How many times do we allow our actions, because we are angry, to get out of control. Or when we are angry, we do not control our tongues! Just think of the last time you were on the phone with customer service!
James goes on in chapter 2 to say that while we are saved by faith, our actions are a result of that faith. So if our tongues are flames setting the whole forest ablaze, what does that say about our faith? What are we demonstrating to the world? Is our faith truly in Jesus or in our circumstances?

It’s amazing how powerful that tiny muscle is! Proverbs even says, that life and death are in the power of the tongue. I think it stands to reason that a demonstration of our faith, life in Christ Jesus, should come through our words.

Lord forgive me for not being slow to speak. Forgive the hurtful words I have said. I ask for the Holy Spirit to help me in this weakness, that my faith would be evident!

Our Great God is for Us

I love leading worship for the elementary kids on Sunday mornings! It is such a blessing watching these kids worship, and hearing them sing at the top of their lungs! We sing a song, Our God is Greater, and it is my prayer that each one of them would know that the God who is for them, is greater than all things!

It occurred to me today, as we were singing this, and another song, that I serve a living God! Not a God made by human hands or poured from precious metals. I serve the God who created all these things, He is greater than all things in the earth, and He is greater than the whole earth!

How could He be great if he were part of this world, that is why He is above this all else! He is above all gods!

It also stands to reason that only a great God would require absolute faith in Him alone, and only a great God would save us according to His will. If I believe that my works save me or keep me safe then how can I believe that my God is greater?

Isaiah 40 is a great example of this! Verses 18-22 With whom, then, will you compare God? To what image will you liken him? As for an idol, a metalworker casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. A person too poor to present such an offering selects wood that will not rot; they look for a skilled worker to set up an idol that will not topple.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, Our God

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us,
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

5 Loaves and 2 Fish

Matthew 14:16-17
Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat. "We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

@JohnPiper: When I feel empty and unable to give any more, few things encourage me more than the words, "Five loaves and two fish."

I am learning that God is not limited by what I do not have. I am so quick to think that people should go somewhere else to be fed, but God desires that we allow Him to us.

I'm reminded of the servant with just one talent, afraid to do anything with what God had given him. But he says that he knows the master to reap where he did not sow.

God use my 5 loaves and 2 fish. Thank you for blessing me with even that. I pray that I will not be afraid, or allow what I see as meager, to keep me from giving it away for You! Let all of me, my whole life bring you glory, and point others to You!

Shine like stars

Philippians 2:15b-16a
Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.

Genesis 1:15
And let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so.

The purpose of us shining like stars is not for our glory, but to be a light on earth, but not shining our light, but the true light that comes from the word of life.

Just before Paul says to shine like stars, he also says, "Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation". We like stars have to stand out from darkness around us, instead of blending in.

Christmas: The Savior

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the lights, and songs, and seeing faces bright with joy.

Confession: While it has always been my favorite, I haven't always enjoyed it.

But this year, something is different. My heart is light and every song I hear makes me sing. I have had Christmas music playing at every chance I can get, whether it's Pandora on my phone or 103.7 in the car. We've been out looking at lights, and every time I see a house smothered in red, green, white, blue, and even rainbow colors it makes me smile.

All these things are not the reason for my joy, they are only temporary.

Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I have a Savior! He is my peace, my joy, my hope, and my salvation. This Christmas has been about Him. This year has been about Him. I have tried bringing my own peace, working my own salvation, healing my hurts, only to fail and continue to feel incomplete. In this last year, I was rescued! I was redeemed! My faith in Christ began at the age of 5, but somehow along the way, I lost sight of Jesus. Like Peter walking on water, I began to do it on my own and sink. Jesus reached out His had and caught me, He drew me up and saved me! This joy and peace and that I have is beyond anything I've ever known or understood. I want to share it! I want others to know the peace and joy that can only come when we stop healing ourselves, stop saving ourselves, stop working to be good. That will never happen, it will always only be temporary, like Christmas lights. There is only one Light that is eternal. Jesus came to us, to save us, to redeem us, to heal us, to free us! Faith, which is what Christmas is about, in Him, Jesus - fully man and fully God - is the only way to receive every good and perfect gift.

"Long lay the world, in sin and error pining, Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth."