Forgiveness...
What a priceless gift. Long ago, we were freely given this gift when a man laid down His life for ours. And yet, still today we hold onto our past and the transgressions committed against us, refusing to forgive those who do not meet up to our standards of repenting. Well, I at least know I am in this catagory.
I can remember what it felt like the first time I said I was sorry for something I had or hadn't done (most likely my daily chores), and the reply I received was "Sorry doesn't cut it." What can do to receive forgiveness if saying I am sorry isn't enough, I must somehow earn the forgiveness and love I am seeking. And if you don't know how to truely show that your sorry for something, how do expect someone to forgive you? It's not enough just to be sorry. I have come to expect the same of others. I would never say it to anyone's face, but I expect an act of seeking forgiveness, and if someone simply says they sorry, I do not feel that they truely mean it.
I was reading Proverbs 17 one day, and tucked away in the middle of the passage is a simple verse that seemed to scream at me that day.
Verse 9:
He who conceals a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.
In my heart once someone has wronged me, that matter is repeated everytime I see them or even think of them. It is repeated because I can't forgive them, if I can't forgive them I can't love them or trust them. It becomes this circle of bitterness and anger that encompasses me, and binds me and puts me in chains. How can I think of seeking forgiveness for my own sins when I can't let go of the things that others have done? And once again I am thrown into my own self made prison. I think I am protecting myself but I shut out everyone and God, but it is lonely when you have seperated yourself from love.
For Christmas, I want to give a priceless gift. But how do I do that? My mind cannot conceive forgiveness without some action. I want to forgive the debts that I wrongly believed were owed to me. To seek love and conceal all transgressions regardless of whether or not that person realizes what they have done (more than likely I have created a mountain out of a molehill).
God, I want to let go of the of the hurts in my past, to not be defined by them any longer. Instead going around showing everyone my scars, I want to say see God has made me whole. To be whole. Am I whole? Make me whole again.
