Rev 3:14-21
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this:
15'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
16'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
17'Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked,
18I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.
19'Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.
20'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.
21'He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.
Excerpt from "Exposed"
"I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting"
I love the way God speaks to me. It is undeniably His audible voice. Just like my kids crying or my husband speaking, I know that it is them. The time that I have spent with them has allowed for me to recognize their voice and never doubt that it is them. This is also true of my God. I can't deny that it is His voice that hear.
Lord God, I come to You to purchase gold refined by Your fire, and white garments too, that You would clothe my nakedness. You are my cover, You are my shield, You are the One that I run to. You call me Your own, Your beloved, and so many times I have run from you. Like Adam and Eve in the garden I am ashamed because of my sin and I run and hide from You. Like Gomer I have chased after this world, and called to it like a lover. But I return to You to purchase all that You have for me. Lord your kindness, unfailing love, is what brings me back to repentence. Your love for me has "lifted me up" like Jonah. You have pursued me, and evenin the pit You were there, wooing me. Ready at a moments notice to rescue me. Lord I love You!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Looking Glass
I see my past,
glimpses in a looking glass
Fragments of time,
that seem forever etched in my mind
I see the present,
My heart so tired and spent
As my life goes so fast
like sand slipping through an hour glass
Today, I remembered a time in my life that the pain was so great. It felt as though Ihad walked through a looking glass, and was living it all again. I was getting ready to leave for spring break. I had to find a way to get out of my house. The stress had just been too great. My dad (the person that adopted me when my mom passed away) and I had been at each others throats like crazy. I knew that if I didn't get away, things could really get ugly. I planned a visit to my other dads home for the week. I came home from church on that Sunday afternoon to grab my bags, and meet him in Abilene with some friends. I don't remember what I did wrong, but I'm sure I didn't clean something or left something turned on. I don't remember anything else before then really, I just remember that fight. The yelling, the pushing, the anger. I know that it wasn't what I wanted, and yet maybe I did. Maybe I wanted a reason to leave, a reason to run away. I just remember the last words that he said to me. "I hate you, and I hope you never come back." It stung me. I muster all my strength for a just as equally hurtful blow, "I hope so too!" Or something like that I'm sure. All I wanted was for someone to accept me. To love me. I had made a choice when my mom died to stay with a man who was not related to me at all. But all those years that she was alive he had become my father, the person I looked to, the person I loved as a father, no a dad. I had walked away from the other, and chosen him. And I stood there in the living room of the house, and felt the rejection. I could barely contain the tears long enough to leave so he wouldn't see. I couldn't let him know he had hurt me so much. I had to be tough, strong, unbreakable!
Sometimes I feel that way with God. Like I have done something wrong and we're standing in that same room fighting like cats and dogs, bent on killing each other. I am so afraid that I will hear those words again. I know that God's love is unending, but what else do I have to go on?
glimpses in a looking glass
Fragments of time,
that seem forever etched in my mind
I see the present,
My heart so tired and spent
As my life goes so fast
like sand slipping through an hour glass
Today, I remembered a time in my life that the pain was so great. It felt as though Ihad walked through a looking glass, and was living it all again. I was getting ready to leave for spring break. I had to find a way to get out of my house. The stress had just been too great. My dad (the person that adopted me when my mom passed away) and I had been at each others throats like crazy. I knew that if I didn't get away, things could really get ugly. I planned a visit to my other dads home for the week. I came home from church on that Sunday afternoon to grab my bags, and meet him in Abilene with some friends. I don't remember what I did wrong, but I'm sure I didn't clean something or left something turned on. I don't remember anything else before then really, I just remember that fight. The yelling, the pushing, the anger. I know that it wasn't what I wanted, and yet maybe I did. Maybe I wanted a reason to leave, a reason to run away. I just remember the last words that he said to me. "I hate you, and I hope you never come back." It stung me. I muster all my strength for a just as equally hurtful blow, "I hope so too!" Or something like that I'm sure. All I wanted was for someone to accept me. To love me. I had made a choice when my mom died to stay with a man who was not related to me at all. But all those years that she was alive he had become my father, the person I looked to, the person I loved as a father, no a dad. I had walked away from the other, and chosen him. And I stood there in the living room of the house, and felt the rejection. I could barely contain the tears long enough to leave so he wouldn't see. I couldn't let him know he had hurt me so much. I had to be tough, strong, unbreakable!
Sometimes I feel that way with God. Like I have done something wrong and we're standing in that same room fighting like cats and dogs, bent on killing each other. I am so afraid that I will hear those words again. I know that God's love is unending, but what else do I have to go on?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Desire
I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing about this "Great Romance." According to some (ahem, John) I need to read a few more books first! :) But I know that God is doing something in me right now, and it feels so much like a love song being whispered directly to my heart. Oh man that sounds so sappy!
Sunday morning worship we sang "Let it Rain", with a repative chorus of "let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven, let it rain." I thought to myself, what am I wanting to rain down on me? Fire? Water? Grace, mercy, love? The list is continuous. But what I heard in heart, was God saying it didn't matter in what form He was raining in my life, my desire should be like a person in the desert. Thankful for the rain. To stand in it and be completely soaked in it.
My desire has not been for God. I have selfishly desired my own happiness, my satisfaction, my comfort. At the expense of a relationship with the only One who can provide all my needs.
God's desire is for me. From the very beginning He chose me. He has pursued me. He longs to rescue me. He is wooing me. He continues to protect me. And He lavishes on me, beauty. Beauty, not in terms that this world can understand, but through His grace and His mercy. He looks on me with love and He sees who He created me to be. A creation taking form.
Why do I stubbornly reject this idea? Maybe I do not feel that I am worthy of such a love? Maybe I hit my head and I've forgotten...
Sunday morning worship we sang "Let it Rain", with a repative chorus of "let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven, let it rain." I thought to myself, what am I wanting to rain down on me? Fire? Water? Grace, mercy, love? The list is continuous. But what I heard in heart, was God saying it didn't matter in what form He was raining in my life, my desire should be like a person in the desert. Thankful for the rain. To stand in it and be completely soaked in it.
My desire has not been for God. I have selfishly desired my own happiness, my satisfaction, my comfort. At the expense of a relationship with the only One who can provide all my needs.
God's desire is for me. From the very beginning He chose me. He has pursued me. He longs to rescue me. He is wooing me. He continues to protect me. And He lavishes on me, beauty. Beauty, not in terms that this world can understand, but through His grace and His mercy. He looks on me with love and He sees who He created me to be. A creation taking form.
Why do I stubbornly reject this idea? Maybe I do not feel that I am worthy of such a love? Maybe I hit my head and I've forgotten...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
patience!
Okay, so I know I haven't written anything in about a week. I'm mulling around an idea for a topic from another book that I'm reading. I just can't seem to get the idea of a "Great Romance" out of my head! I didn't have alot of relationships growing up, but I had a few boyfriends most were not concerned with romance, just getting what they wanted. But that is not how God works, and it is evidenced throughout His word.
Anyways, this a little preview to what I'm working on. Please be patient!
Anyways, this a little preview to what I'm working on. Please be patient!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Repentence-more than lip service
"Oh God forgive my sin." This has been my mantra for the last couple of months, I'd say. "Lord, help me, and take this from me." I feel much like Israel in the book of Hosea, once again. Just like Israel I am half -heartily coming to the Lord. I still have yet to really repent. I want an easy fix to this situation that I find myself in. I want to wake up one morning and just feel a release without ever really having to do any sacrificing, or really owning up to my sins. I keep scrambling to find another way. But the Lord continues to say to me, "repent." What does repentance look like? How does the Lord want me to repent of this? I couldn't handle a public repent, and the sacrifice seems to great right now. But is it worth reaping the whirlwind? The Lord has continually and plainly shown me the consequences of not repenting. So, I continue to give Him lip service and pray that holds off the wrath until I can make sense of things. My flesh and my spirit are in constant battle, and most days I feel like Paul. The things I want to do, I don't do, and that which I do, I don't want to do. And then the parable of the tares, in the middle of the night, the enemy came and planted tares, and now it has grown up with the rest of the crop. I am a point where I need to allow the Lord to pull it out, but I want to hold on to it a little longer.
Hosea 6:1-6
"'Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.'"
"What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? For your loyalty is like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early. Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets; I have slain them by the words of My mouth; and the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, and in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God, I don't want your judgement. Lord, kill this sin in me. I want to repent, but I keep going back to it. I want to make a conscious decision to walk away, but every time I am faced with the temptation I stumble and fall. I want to run away from it, but I know that I will just be faced with it somewhere else. There is something deeper, that You are once again exposing, but I just don't want to see it. Seeing it, and knowing what You are showing me means accountability, and responsibility to do the right thing.
Hosea 6:1-6
"'Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.'"
"What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? For your loyalty is like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early. Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets; I have slain them by the words of My mouth; and the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, and in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God, I don't want your judgement. Lord, kill this sin in me. I want to repent, but I keep going back to it. I want to make a conscious decision to walk away, but every time I am faced with the temptation I stumble and fall. I want to run away from it, but I know that I will just be faced with it somewhere else. There is something deeper, that You are once again exposing, but I just don't want to see it. Seeing it, and knowing what You are showing me means accountability, and responsibility to do the right thing.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Say Hello
Hey there! just want to say that I know not many people read this blog. I kinda like it that way! But it would be nice if someone left at least a "HI, how are ya?" Let me know that the 30 some odd hits aren't just my own! :)
So, leave me some comments, some arguments, some something, just let me know you're out there!
So, leave me some comments, some arguments, some something, just let me know you're out there!
Reoccuring theme: LOVE
1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I just finished one of the best books I've read in a long time! I don't even know how to begin to explain it. But I've gotta try to make sense of the thoughts and stuff running rampant in my head right now!
There is a part towards the end, just before the final climax where the Truth is revealed. But what is interesting is the character's reaction to that truth. "What kind of man would agree to such a thing? A man of virtue. But he didn't feel like a man of virtue. A man of great faith. But he didn't have any faith. A man who was unique and powerful. But he didn't want to be either unique or powerful."
This character, Johnny, goes on to describe himself as a shadow of himself. The person who he started out be, seems to be dead, no longer a part of who he is now. Because of the inward conflict, he struggles with it. He has a choice to make, but cannot seem to find the strength to make it.
That battle is being waged in my own life now. The person of faith and virtue and desire to serve an invisible God, seems to be a mere shadow. I find myself looking, searching, trying desperately to get back to that person, but there is a choice I have to make, and am I willing to make that choice? Do I have the strength to make that choice?
So faced with the Truth, and all other possibilities exhausted, he gives in to this truth. Decides that he will give it a shot. Only to find that there doesn't seem to be anything different about him now. He is still powerless to face his enemies, powerless to help those who need him, powerless to accept himself as a "freak, ostracized by the very people he wants to help". But is his struggle different from our own struggles?
"Once born into childlike faith, brimming with belief, typical people begin to lose their faith. Society mocks them. Their friends smirk. They come to change the world, but over time the world changes them. Soon they forget who they were; they forget the faith they once had. Then one day someone tells them the truth, but they don't want to go back because they are comfortable in their new skin. Being a stranger in this world is never easy. "
Like Johnny, I feel that I've done enough, I've suffered enough, I've sacrificed enough. Why can't I just have what is rightfully mine without the work, without all the struggle? Then it hits me like a brick to the face. It isn't about me anymore.
Because of this world I have conditioned myself to focus on my survival. I am spent and exhausted from being the one who is going to save me. Which brings me back to the title of this blog, Love. What does love have to do with any of this? How can I truely accept who God wants me to be, until I understand and know what love really is? If you have read previous posts, you know that I don't even love myself. How do I learn to love (i'm talking about the love that is referenced in the above scripture) after all these years? If I can't love me, how can I love others? How can I show the love of God to others? My words are as a noisy gong or clanging cymbals.
Hmm...
Where do I start? Matt 22:37-39 says
"37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I just finished one of the best books I've read in a long time! I don't even know how to begin to explain it. But I've gotta try to make sense of the thoughts and stuff running rampant in my head right now!
There is a part towards the end, just before the final climax where the Truth is revealed. But what is interesting is the character's reaction to that truth. "What kind of man would agree to such a thing? A man of virtue. But he didn't feel like a man of virtue. A man of great faith. But he didn't have any faith. A man who was unique and powerful. But he didn't want to be either unique or powerful."
This character, Johnny, goes on to describe himself as a shadow of himself. The person who he started out be, seems to be dead, no longer a part of who he is now. Because of the inward conflict, he struggles with it. He has a choice to make, but cannot seem to find the strength to make it.
That battle is being waged in my own life now. The person of faith and virtue and desire to serve an invisible God, seems to be a mere shadow. I find myself looking, searching, trying desperately to get back to that person, but there is a choice I have to make, and am I willing to make that choice? Do I have the strength to make that choice?
So faced with the Truth, and all other possibilities exhausted, he gives in to this truth. Decides that he will give it a shot. Only to find that there doesn't seem to be anything different about him now. He is still powerless to face his enemies, powerless to help those who need him, powerless to accept himself as a "freak, ostracized by the very people he wants to help". But is his struggle different from our own struggles?
"Once born into childlike faith, brimming with belief, typical people begin to lose their faith. Society mocks them. Their friends smirk. They come to change the world, but over time the world changes them. Soon they forget who they were; they forget the faith they once had. Then one day someone tells them the truth, but they don't want to go back because they are comfortable in their new skin. Being a stranger in this world is never easy. "
Like Johnny, I feel that I've done enough, I've suffered enough, I've sacrificed enough. Why can't I just have what is rightfully mine without the work, without all the struggle? Then it hits me like a brick to the face. It isn't about me anymore.
Because of this world I have conditioned myself to focus on my survival. I am spent and exhausted from being the one who is going to save me. Which brings me back to the title of this blog, Love. What does love have to do with any of this? How can I truely accept who God wants me to be, until I understand and know what love really is? If you have read previous posts, you know that I don't even love myself. How do I learn to love (i'm talking about the love that is referenced in the above scripture) after all these years? If I can't love me, how can I love others? How can I show the love of God to others? My words are as a noisy gong or clanging cymbals.
Hmm...
Where do I start? Matt 22:37-39 says
"37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Exposed
My Sunday school class has been reading Hosea. And there are some things in Hosea that have been piercing my heart. It is, what has prompted this need to lay bare the things that I have kept hidden for so long. I can't fully describe this battle that is raging in my life right now, but I am compelled to share pieces of it; how it all began, the most recent occurances, and hope for how it will end.
May 24, 2008 2:00 am
"I haven't written in so long. I can't sleep. My head is all messed up. I have only been sinking further and further into depression. I'm looking around trying to place blame on something or someone for this, but I've turned away from God, and I don't even know why. So many times He's proven Himself to me, and it's not like He has anyting to prove, but still I demand proof. And when I don't see it I say, "see Im the only one taking care of me..." And I do stupid stuff like getting drunk. Like throwing up, or taking laxatives. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself. How can anyone really love me? Who could really look at me and see potential, see beauty, and really mean it? I still feel so sick, I'm such an idiot! I didn't want it really, but I got angry and depressed and I thought, "what the hell?" It doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference. Noone's gonna care, everyone else says it's okay. Stacy likes me better with a little alchohol. I know he says he doesn't, but he always seems to brighten up if I drink."
"I'm scared. I'm afraid. What if I'm so far removed there is no hope for me? If there is no hope then why waste time with it? I entertain thoughts of crossing the lines. Reaching the point of no return and just never looking back. Why do I do this? What is wrong with me? I should be happy, and yet I always want more. It's never enough to really satisfy me or really make me happy. It's always gone moments later. God how do I get back to you? I want to, but I don't know if I can. I don't think anyone would understand. Why should I care if they understand? Now I'm angry and bitter. Other people are so fake. They say whatever makes them feel better in front of others, but when it's all over is there really any change, or do they go right back to what they were doing before? Only now it's okay because they've confessed it. God, do I ever change? I've gone back and forth so many times, was it ever real? It seemed real at one time in my life. Like there was really something greater than me calling to me, drawing me closer. I felt You so close then, I knew You then, I believed You then, I trusted You then. I was not afraid of anything. Not ridicule or even death. I believed there was something else beyond me, beyond my mortal flesh. I believed that You were real and that You loved me. That You had loved me before I was ever born. Then my world was slowly stripped away, and even now I feel like I'm losing the only things that I have left. I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting."
"Redemption-to redeem, the act of redeeming. It is a continuing process. Hosea took back his wife repeated times. Would anyone take me back? I keep going back to Lloyd and Gary lately. Looking back at all my failed relationships. How easy it is for me to walk away, to turn my back and say I don't need them. "All those who reject me, I reject you!" There that makes it even. I'm not the type of person who needs to have the acceptance of others. If you don't want me, then I don't want you! But I'm lying. Lying to myself and to them. I want to know love. I'm afraid that God will reject me, so I reject Him. Then that makes me the one in control, yet I'm so out of control. I don't know which wa is up or down. I don't think Stacy really wants me anymore, so maybe that is why I reject him so many times."
"I don't like feeling alone, but I can't seem to keep anyone by my side. I think maybe people are afraid of me. I put of thorns and spikes around myself to keep me from being hurt. Maybe I'm just one big thorn bush. Or maybe I'm so beat up and destroyed that people look at me and think I'm a monster, and I'm going to devour them. But I think people are afraid to get close to me. I'm sure there is a sign on my head that says "I'm bitter" and "I'll hurt you if you get too close", sort of like a "Beware of Dog", run the other way. I repel friendships. I repel love."
"Love. Now we come to it. Love. I don't know it. How can I show it? How could my kids ever know it? I'm afraid of what I am doing to them. Will they grow up not knowing love? That's on me. I'm a failure at everything. I'm sure Lloyd thought I was the last person who needed to have kids. I sitll remember how he liked to remind me how immature and irresponsible I was. I've probably not changed since then at all, still irresponsible. And I don't deserve to raise the children I have. 'Children are a reward.' Both times I have feared bringing them into this world. Not because of this world, but because of me. What if they don't love me either? What if I can't love them like they need? What if I can't provide the things they need? After all I'm irresponsible and selfish and I'm a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate this person that You created. Why me? Why did You waste Your time with me? What good am I? What can I do? I am nothing, I am noone, and I am dirt! I hate You for making me!"
"I just want to be someone else. If I were someone else people would love me, I'd be someone. I wouldn't be me.
I don't know why I am sharing this really, except that I keep feeling that I must be laid bare. My heart must be exposed. My heart the most fragile and vulnerable part of my life. So, I lay it bare now. God, my heart is exposed, and that scares me. I fear the judgement and any condemnation that may follow. I know that it is not You who condemns, but I still fear.
May 24, 2008 2:00 am
"I haven't written in so long. I can't sleep. My head is all messed up. I have only been sinking further and further into depression. I'm looking around trying to place blame on something or someone for this, but I've turned away from God, and I don't even know why. So many times He's proven Himself to me, and it's not like He has anyting to prove, but still I demand proof. And when I don't see it I say, "see Im the only one taking care of me..." And I do stupid stuff like getting drunk. Like throwing up, or taking laxatives. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself. How can anyone really love me? Who could really look at me and see potential, see beauty, and really mean it? I still feel so sick, I'm such an idiot! I didn't want it really, but I got angry and depressed and I thought, "what the hell?" It doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference. Noone's gonna care, everyone else says it's okay. Stacy likes me better with a little alchohol. I know he says he doesn't, but he always seems to brighten up if I drink."
"I'm scared. I'm afraid. What if I'm so far removed there is no hope for me? If there is no hope then why waste time with it? I entertain thoughts of crossing the lines. Reaching the point of no return and just never looking back. Why do I do this? What is wrong with me? I should be happy, and yet I always want more. It's never enough to really satisfy me or really make me happy. It's always gone moments later. God how do I get back to you? I want to, but I don't know if I can. I don't think anyone would understand. Why should I care if they understand? Now I'm angry and bitter. Other people are so fake. They say whatever makes them feel better in front of others, but when it's all over is there really any change, or do they go right back to what they were doing before? Only now it's okay because they've confessed it. God, do I ever change? I've gone back and forth so many times, was it ever real? It seemed real at one time in my life. Like there was really something greater than me calling to me, drawing me closer. I felt You so close then, I knew You then, I believed You then, I trusted You then. I was not afraid of anything. Not ridicule or even death. I believed there was something else beyond me, beyond my mortal flesh. I believed that You were real and that You loved me. That You had loved me before I was ever born. Then my world was slowly stripped away, and even now I feel like I'm losing the only things that I have left. I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting."
"Redemption-to redeem, the act of redeeming. It is a continuing process. Hosea took back his wife repeated times. Would anyone take me back? I keep going back to Lloyd and Gary lately. Looking back at all my failed relationships. How easy it is for me to walk away, to turn my back and say I don't need them. "All those who reject me, I reject you!" There that makes it even. I'm not the type of person who needs to have the acceptance of others. If you don't want me, then I don't want you! But I'm lying. Lying to myself and to them. I want to know love. I'm afraid that God will reject me, so I reject Him. Then that makes me the one in control, yet I'm so out of control. I don't know which wa is up or down. I don't think Stacy really wants me anymore, so maybe that is why I reject him so many times."
"I don't like feeling alone, but I can't seem to keep anyone by my side. I think maybe people are afraid of me. I put of thorns and spikes around myself to keep me from being hurt. Maybe I'm just one big thorn bush. Or maybe I'm so beat up and destroyed that people look at me and think I'm a monster, and I'm going to devour them. But I think people are afraid to get close to me. I'm sure there is a sign on my head that says "I'm bitter" and "I'll hurt you if you get too close", sort of like a "Beware of Dog", run the other way. I repel friendships. I repel love."
"Love. Now we come to it. Love. I don't know it. How can I show it? How could my kids ever know it? I'm afraid of what I am doing to them. Will they grow up not knowing love? That's on me. I'm a failure at everything. I'm sure Lloyd thought I was the last person who needed to have kids. I sitll remember how he liked to remind me how immature and irresponsible I was. I've probably not changed since then at all, still irresponsible. And I don't deserve to raise the children I have. 'Children are a reward.' Both times I have feared bringing them into this world. Not because of this world, but because of me. What if they don't love me either? What if I can't love them like they need? What if I can't provide the things they need? After all I'm irresponsible and selfish and I'm a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate this person that You created. Why me? Why did You waste Your time with me? What good am I? What can I do? I am nothing, I am noone, and I am dirt! I hate You for making me!"
"I just want to be someone else. If I were someone else people would love me, I'd be someone. I wouldn't be me.
I don't know why I am sharing this really, except that I keep feeling that I must be laid bare. My heart must be exposed. My heart the most fragile and vulnerable part of my life. So, I lay it bare now. God, my heart is exposed, and that scares me. I fear the judgement and any condemnation that may follow. I know that it is not You who condemns, but I still fear.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
What is my talent?
Matt 25:18, 24&25
"18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.' "
I can remember the first time I heard this parable in sunday school. I thought hard about what Jesus was trying to say to those around him. What was He trying to say to me, and I remember thinking that I would use my talents to give glory God, whatever they may be. As I grew older, I continued to hear this parable taught and preached by many different people, in many different ways. Mostly at some sort of church camp or outreach, with the focus being on the reward of each steward the Master had entrusted with His "talents". I began to see that it was important for me to have some sort of return on these talents God had given me, again, whatever they may be. I don't remember when I began to think about the last steward had done with his one talent, but at some point I began to focus on how he buried it, and didn't gain any sort of return it. Why bury the talent in the dirt? Did he think it would grow into something? It seemed absurd to me.
I gave my life to Christ when I was very young. I was in sunday school, and my mom had taught the lesson that day. We learned about the fruits of the spirit, and how when we were saved God would begin to produce these fruits in our lives. That Jesus was our friend and He helped us and helped the fruit to grow. At the end of the class, my mom very gently and quietly reminded us of how Jesus gave his life and that we could have a very special relationship with Him, all we had to do was ask Him. He would make us clean and because of what He did we could be close to Him and God. I knew at that moment I wanted to be close to God and to Jesus. As she prayed a sinners prayer, I repeated the words, and knew that my life was different some how. Jesus was with me, and He always would be.
Child like faith is a miracle, Idon't know why we lose that faith as we get older. In my life it seems that the older I get the harder my heart becomes. I miss those days where I trusted in God. I knew that God could heal the worst disease, and even raise the dead. I prayed for my classmates out loud and in public. I witnessed to anyone and everyone. I wasn't ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. I knew beyond any shadow of doubt, that if everyone had a relationship with God they could be happy and have peace. I would have shouted from a mountain top, if Texas had any!
With the death of my mom, the countless rejection I faced from people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, and years of piled up hurts I began to slowly dig a hole and bury my life in it. Now, I'm back to the steward with only one talent. Me, my life, is my one talent that God has entrusted to me. Out of fear, I have dug up a hole in the ground and buried it. For some reason I feel comfort in this grave. I think in here noone can hurt me, the world cannot get to me, I am no longer vulnerable. From the bottom of this pit I can finally be at peace. But all I see is my life draining from me.
"18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.' "
I can remember the first time I heard this parable in sunday school. I thought hard about what Jesus was trying to say to those around him. What was He trying to say to me, and I remember thinking that I would use my talents to give glory God, whatever they may be. As I grew older, I continued to hear this parable taught and preached by many different people, in many different ways. Mostly at some sort of church camp or outreach, with the focus being on the reward of each steward the Master had entrusted with His "talents". I began to see that it was important for me to have some sort of return on these talents God had given me, again, whatever they may be. I don't remember when I began to think about the last steward had done with his one talent, but at some point I began to focus on how he buried it, and didn't gain any sort of return it. Why bury the talent in the dirt? Did he think it would grow into something? It seemed absurd to me.
I gave my life to Christ when I was very young. I was in sunday school, and my mom had taught the lesson that day. We learned about the fruits of the spirit, and how when we were saved God would begin to produce these fruits in our lives. That Jesus was our friend and He helped us and helped the fruit to grow. At the end of the class, my mom very gently and quietly reminded us of how Jesus gave his life and that we could have a very special relationship with Him, all we had to do was ask Him. He would make us clean and because of what He did we could be close to Him and God. I knew at that moment I wanted to be close to God and to Jesus. As she prayed a sinners prayer, I repeated the words, and knew that my life was different some how. Jesus was with me, and He always would be.
Child like faith is a miracle, Idon't know why we lose that faith as we get older. In my life it seems that the older I get the harder my heart becomes. I miss those days where I trusted in God. I knew that God could heal the worst disease, and even raise the dead. I prayed for my classmates out loud and in public. I witnessed to anyone and everyone. I wasn't ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. I knew beyond any shadow of doubt, that if everyone had a relationship with God they could be happy and have peace. I would have shouted from a mountain top, if Texas had any!
With the death of my mom, the countless rejection I faced from people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, and years of piled up hurts I began to slowly dig a hole and bury my life in it. Now, I'm back to the steward with only one talent. Me, my life, is my one talent that God has entrusted to me. Out of fear, I have dug up a hole in the ground and buried it. For some reason I feel comfort in this grave. I think in here noone can hurt me, the world cannot get to me, I am no longer vulnerable. From the bottom of this pit I can finally be at peace. But all I see is my life draining from me.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Being pursued
Journal entry dated 05-16-08:
"...All I want is to be seen, noticed, to feel accepted, liked, wanted even. I want to be wanted. To have someone seek me out, search for me, want me..." "I know You say that You want me, You seek me, You search for me, that should be enough, and yet it's not. I don't know what Your or anyone would see in me. Why would anyone want me?"
God you have been pursuing me. I feel you and even though I don't feel worthy of it, You have been speaking to me. What great love You must have for me. Who am I that You would pursue me? That You would come after me with such passion and desire.
And yet I still struggle. Fighting against You, pushing against You, and even denying Your presence all together. Why do I fight against the One who loves me the most? I feel unworthy of such love.
"...All I want is to be seen, noticed, to feel accepted, liked, wanted even. I want to be wanted. To have someone seek me out, search for me, want me..." "I know You say that You want me, You seek me, You search for me, that should be enough, and yet it's not. I don't know what Your or anyone would see in me. Why would anyone want me?"
God you have been pursuing me. I feel you and even though I don't feel worthy of it, You have been speaking to me. What great love You must have for me. Who am I that You would pursue me? That You would come after me with such passion and desire.
And yet I still struggle. Fighting against You, pushing against You, and even denying Your presence all together. Why do I fight against the One who loves me the most? I feel unworthy of such love.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Lyrics
Whatever Your Doing (Something Heavenly)
by: Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender... To...
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Well, I really don't usually just post lyrics or just write them for the sake of writing them, but this song really speaks to me lately. God, I know you are allowing this great chaos that seems to be my life right now. I don't struggle with knowing that it is You, or that You are here with me. My struggle is surrender. You are the wave crashing down around me, and I want so much to just let go and have that peace in the midst of the storm, but I can't. So instead I struggle against You, like a drowning person struggles against the water that seems to be pulling them under. It exhausts my strength, and I only become weaker. Will I drown, will You rescue me?
by: Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender... To...
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Well, I really don't usually just post lyrics or just write them for the sake of writing them, but this song really speaks to me lately. God, I know you are allowing this great chaos that seems to be my life right now. I don't struggle with knowing that it is You, or that You are here with me. My struggle is surrender. You are the wave crashing down around me, and I want so much to just let go and have that peace in the midst of the storm, but I can't. So instead I struggle against You, like a drowning person struggles against the water that seems to be pulling them under. It exhausts my strength, and I only become weaker. Will I drown, will You rescue me?
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Will the real me please stand up?
Well, 7 months later here I am again!!! :)
I'm going to change the format of this blog I think. There is something in me saying I need to open up and share more of who I really am. I can't do that in person, it is way to hard. So, I might try making this blog more like my journal. Yes I do have one, it's very personal and private! See, I like to keep myself hidden, so that people can't hurt me. I'm afraid of their ridicule and I constantly think that others are judging me. I know this sounds alot like paranoia, and maybe it is. So, how do you deal with fear? You face it head on and hope for the best.
Where do I start? I grew up in a small town where nothing really happens. And so I am a boring noone from a boring nowhere town. (How's that for a start?) My momma always told me I could be and do anything if I really put my mind to it. She encouraged me to learn how to play the piano, and keep singing even though my sister would get mad at me. I told her everything, I loved her more than life. I lost her when I was in the 5th grade, and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with, really I still deal with it now. I think had she been there, I would have been a different person, more confident, more secure, better adjusted. But that is not what happened, so I have to move beyond that and take steps to become more confident and more secure and better adjusted, without her. It made me very independent to the point where I don't want help from anyone. But she also encouraged me to write. I still have the poem book she bought me, with all of my first poems (and no I won't share those, too embarassing!).
How does all this tie together? Stacy bought me a keyboard a few years ago, because I suddenly had a compelling desire to play. I couldn't get it out of my head! I was dreaming about playing! I have been messing around with it for sometime, mostly trying to figure out how to play the worship songs from church. Then, maybe a year ago, no less than a year ago, I got sucked into the worship team. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I love to sing, but I don't feel confident in myself. I really do enjoy being a part of the worship team, but I just can't get over this fear of missing a note and everyone hearing it. I aslo suffer from a perfectionist personality, so no mistakes! It really goes deeper than that, but I'll save that for a later date. I don't know why, but lately I have been writing (well attempting to write) songs. I just stand at the keyboard and play till it just comes out. I think God is really trying to get me to open up, I seem to be faced with that everywhere I turn. If I want to do this or that, then I gotta be willing to tell someone why, and elaborate. I feel so afraid. Afraid of getting something wrong or being the wrong person or doing the wrong thing. Remember, I'm just a boring noone from a boring nowhere town.
So, do I put myself out there when everything in me says hide myself away. I can't let people know what a messed up person I am. How I screw up everything. That deep down I feel like a complete failure. I'm even sitting here debating whether or not to really post this. Will I or won't I? HMMM???
I'm going to change the format of this blog I think. There is something in me saying I need to open up and share more of who I really am. I can't do that in person, it is way to hard. So, I might try making this blog more like my journal. Yes I do have one, it's very personal and private! See, I like to keep myself hidden, so that people can't hurt me. I'm afraid of their ridicule and I constantly think that others are judging me. I know this sounds alot like paranoia, and maybe it is. So, how do you deal with fear? You face it head on and hope for the best.
Where do I start? I grew up in a small town where nothing really happens. And so I am a boring noone from a boring nowhere town. (How's that for a start?) My momma always told me I could be and do anything if I really put my mind to it. She encouraged me to learn how to play the piano, and keep singing even though my sister would get mad at me. I told her everything, I loved her more than life. I lost her when I was in the 5th grade, and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with, really I still deal with it now. I think had she been there, I would have been a different person, more confident, more secure, better adjusted. But that is not what happened, so I have to move beyond that and take steps to become more confident and more secure and better adjusted, without her. It made me very independent to the point where I don't want help from anyone. But she also encouraged me to write. I still have the poem book she bought me, with all of my first poems (and no I won't share those, too embarassing!).
How does all this tie together? Stacy bought me a keyboard a few years ago, because I suddenly had a compelling desire to play. I couldn't get it out of my head! I was dreaming about playing! I have been messing around with it for sometime, mostly trying to figure out how to play the worship songs from church. Then, maybe a year ago, no less than a year ago, I got sucked into the worship team. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I love to sing, but I don't feel confident in myself. I really do enjoy being a part of the worship team, but I just can't get over this fear of missing a note and everyone hearing it. I aslo suffer from a perfectionist personality, so no mistakes! It really goes deeper than that, but I'll save that for a later date. I don't know why, but lately I have been writing (well attempting to write) songs. I just stand at the keyboard and play till it just comes out. I think God is really trying to get me to open up, I seem to be faced with that everywhere I turn. If I want to do this or that, then I gotta be willing to tell someone why, and elaborate. I feel so afraid. Afraid of getting something wrong or being the wrong person or doing the wrong thing. Remember, I'm just a boring noone from a boring nowhere town.
So, do I put myself out there when everything in me says hide myself away. I can't let people know what a messed up person I am. How I screw up everything. That deep down I feel like a complete failure. I'm even sitting here debating whether or not to really post this. Will I or won't I? HMMM???
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