Plowing the heart

Two things about me:

1)  I do not have a green thumb anywhere on my body!  I have killed an ivy, and I think my fake plants are starting to die, too!

2)  I'm not a heart person.  I'm a head person.  My  head over rules my heart, 9 out 10 times.  I will give up something I most want, if my brain over thinks it, and has determined I don't really need it. 

Now that you know these two things,  it should be easier to understand why a thing such as Redemption Groups, at my church, is challenging.  It is plowing the heart. 

So, I looked up what exactly plowing is.  I mean, I know it's done, but never really why (there goes my brain).  I do know that seeds need three things; air, water, and warmth.  So, a farmer plows.  The hard dried out top layer of dirt is broken and turned over, exposing the more tender and soft dirt underneath.  It makes the ground healthy, and ready for sowing.  My dirt heart is exposed. 

God, the creator of my heart, Lord of this dirt, but is He father?  daddy?  I keep turning this thought, and I find it difficult to grasp.  In prayer, He is Lord, God, maybe even Heavenly Father (which puts Him at an unattainable distance).  I see His might and power, His sovereignty.  I sing of His glory and greatness.  What do I know of His love and compassion.  His Fathering?

I've played the part (and rather poorly) of toy soldier, obedient subject, servant even.  But there is a part I have not played or accepted, a part that He Himself calls and draws us into.  The daughter.  I am told to come to Him, but I want to fold my arms in around my heart.  I want to cover my aches, my sins, my wounds, my humanness, my dirt.  But He wants it all.  I keep covering it up, and He keeps turning it over.  Back to this spot, this tender spot.  I think it is to do some Lordly, Godly, unknown thing to me.  But maybe, He wants to Father this lump of turned over dirt.  To give me a daddy moment.  I am scared, projecting on my Lord, all the images of failing earthly fathers. 

His sovereignty is above me, but His love is directed to me, in me, surrounds me.  His love is involved.  His love is abounding, occurring, existing in great quantities.  It is rich and well supplied.

Psalm 103:8  The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

Mark 14:36  And he said, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

Romans 8:15  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!"

My Works vs. The Lord's

Some days, I feel like I'm the one doing all the work.  Every task seems mundane and tedious, like rolling a rock up and down a hill, with no results to show for it.   

Some days, like yesterday, I feel the Holy Spirit.  My words are seasoned, my actions intentional, I see real evidence of fruit and seeds and growth.  

I realized something yesterday.  I measure myself according to those days, as if it was all by doing.  I say on the good days, "I feel accomplished.  Everything I wanted to happen, happened, and in the way that I wanted it to."  I say on the other days, "I am a failure today, I have accomplished  nothing.  I have wasted time, I haven't done this or that, and nothing has turned out the way I wanted it to.  This day I am a failure."

Is the Lord of the good days and the bad days?  

Is He Lord of my life yesterday, but not today?  

Yesterday, God was good.  

Is He still good today?

When I take into account my actions and words, I see a central theme. 

ME.

Is it the Lord who works, or me?  It is the Lord, and His Holy Spirit is at work in me.  On my good and bad days, it is the Lord always, and I want to give Him glory, regardless of how the day seems to be going.  What does that look like?  

When I'm yelling at my kids, is God getting glory?  No, of course not.  But when He convicts me, and I repent, and I confess, He is glorified.  In my weakness He is made strong.  He is stronger than my mistakes, and I may have failed, but He has not.  He can take my failings and turn them around and use them for His glory.  My works=failure, weak, missing the mark, full of sin.  The Lord's work=perfect, strong, complete, bringing glory to His name.  Thank You Lord for working in me!

Lord, continue Your work in me.  Your word says that You are faithful to complete the good work that You have begun.  Help me to remember that You are always in control, that in all things You will be glorified, that my life is not my own.

What I Am Reading: Dangerous Journey

This summer I went to a homeschool book fair with a friend of mine.  Talk about book overload!  It was amazing!  I. Love. Books!

I picked up a children's version of Pilgrim's Progress, called Dangerous Journey.  I knew that we would be going through it this year, but I didn't realize how much I would enjoy it, and my children too!

Simply put, it is a story of a dream of the christian journey.  It has opened the door for some deep conversations about destruction, salvation, and the journey to The Celestial City.  

 Yesterday, my 5 year old exclaimed out the blue,

"I love that book you're reading to us." 

While my older child seems bored with it, I know that she is at least thinking about things, and that makes my heart glad.  My prayer is that God will use this to soften and mold her heart, to place in her a desire to run the race.