Former Me

I see her. She is with me always. Her hair is long, and thin. Her skin is pale. I can tell that she is poor by the tattered clothes that she wears. Her sullen eyes sit above tear stained cheeks. She seems frail and the bruises on her arms and legs suggest she is mal-nurished as well. Suffering from abuse and neglect, I know her, she is me. She sits in a dark room and lonliness is her friend. But somehow she comforts me. When I am worn and distressed I come to her, and I feel justified for my anger. My anger with God, my anger with others. All I want is to take her pain, to ease her suffering, to see her smile. She is me.

2 Cor 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Is 43:18-19
18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

These scriptures have been playing over and over again in head, like a broken record for a very long time. It seems that God always brings me back to them. But recently I feel that I have finally come to an understanding of what He has been saying to me.

I have had the image of this broken girl with me for a long time. I have written about her in poems. And when things seem to be at their very worst, I tend to look inwardly and see myself in her. So instead of taking on the image of a new creation, I revert to my past. I take on the image of this girl.

Today, in my (ever so sparadic) quiet time, God showed me some things about this image. God does not see me this way, and not just that, but He did not create me to be this way. So why is it that I am bound to this image. I must be in Christ in order to become a new creation. I must be in the center of His salvation. I have been in salvation, but I have not remained in the center of it. I have lingered on the outside for so long. Stacy and I had an interesting conversation about this one day at the pool. I'm one of those girls who dips my toes in the pool before I decide if I'm gonna get in. Then if I think it's okay, I might stick my feet, then my legs, and slowly work my way to fully soaked. I am have had the same attitude in my salvation. I've been comfortable sitting on the edge with just my feet getting wet. But I watch as my friends and others seem to be enjoying something greater and deeper. I want to be there with them, but I linger. I linger because I'm holding onto this image of my past. This broken little girl. She is afraid, she is timid, she is too fragile to get out there. She will get hurt.

Lord, I want to be in the center of Your salvation. I want to find comfort and rest in You. I need You. I run to You. I cling to You. I reach for You. You alone are my salvation.

Peace in the Storm

Turmoil: a state or condition of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion. My heart is in this state right now. I have so much going on. My flesh and spirit are in constant battle, and most days it is my flesh that wins out. And God is speaking to me so many things, but I can't seem to make sense of it because of this battle. It's like three conversations at once, and I find myself just wanting to stick my fingers in my ears to have some peace.

Then there seems to be this deep desire burning in me. I can't explain it really, but at times I find myself just longing. Longing for God, longing for love, longing for something to bring me fulfillment. And I don't always seek for it in the right place.

I need to come to a place where I can find all that I need in Christ. I know that sounds like a sunday school answer, but really isn't it true? I need to know love. I want to know love. I long for love. Love in so many shapes and forms and meanings. The only place where that is found is in Christ.

I will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at your feet,
Let me find I'm at your feet.
I leave my father's house, and
I leave my Mother.
I leave all I have known, and
I'll have no other.

For I am in love with you, and there is no cost.
I am in love with you, and there is no loss.
I am in love with you, I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,

I want to cling to you, Jesus,
Just let me cling to you, Jesus.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and
I Press on, yes I press on.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and
I press on, yes I press on.

For I am in love with you, and there is no cost.
I am in love with you, and there is no loss.
I am in love with you, I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you,
Jesus, just let me cling to you,
Jesus, I want to cling to you...


To turn my back on all other's. To forsake all and run after my creator. God, I want to know You more, to search You out. To find my satisfaction in You. To be in You, to be found in You. In You I find perfect peace. In You I find release from this turmoil.

Vacation!!!

well, just wanted to let everyone know that we are going to be on a little mini vacation. Sorry, there won't be any posts till later in the week. :( I know you are all very sad! But do not fret I will be back shortly with quite a bit to say! Love you all and may the Lord bless you!

Depression

Depression
1995

I saw depression clearly,
She was weak, limp, and lifeless
She turned and sat down in a dark corner,
And rocked back and forth silently.

I saw her pale face and red bleeding wrists.
I heard her soflty crying out questions of why and how,
And I felt her cold clamy hands reach out to me
And ask me for help...

I did.

I started dealing with depression in high school, among a few other teenage diseases. I did my best to deal with it. I remember the counselor calling me to her office one time to make sure everything was okay. Of course I pulled off the perfect smile and said I'm fine. A few weeks later I was taken out of school driven to a local rehab facility where I was entered in a program for counselling sessions. Of course this didn't really work out. Lloyd was there, and they made me answer like 100 questions, so that they could diagnose me I guess. I couldn't even be honest with them about what was going on. Lloyd answered all the questions for me. I remember they asked me if I ever thought about suicide. He laughed out loud and looked at me, and said, "Yeah, Melinda have you ever thought about killing yourself?" To which of course I laughed and said no. If only he really knew. So, I struggled through high school, almost giving up several times. I nearly got kicked out of National Honor Society, and nearly failed band.

Two years out of high school, I got married. Things seemed to finally be right in my life. For almost two years, I rarely dealt with the depression or the eating disorders. I was happy for once, and I knew that I had beaten this thing once and for all. Then, it all came to a hault. January 2001, I found out I was pregnant. I know this should be a joyous occassion, but I feared that it would only remind me of what a mess I was. I cried for nearly an hour. From that moment on, the depression came again. I was once again powerless, and now my moods would be affecting someone else. Would I be passing this on to my child?

So, here I am 2 kids later, and it seems that it only gets worse. Today was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It took everything in me to just get up, shower, and brush my teeth. My house is a mess, the kids were crying most of the day, and I couldn't bring myself to deal with either of these problems. I nearly broke down once. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. But I have things to do, I just want some release. So, I'm considering seeing a doctor. This goes against everything in me really. I don't want to become some medicated old woman. I don't want to depend on drugs to make me function. But when it's like this I have no energy, no desire, no motivation. I want to be a good mother, a good wife, to be able to wake in the morning with a smile, and want to do things with the kids, and enjoy it all. I usually have one good week a month, all the other weeks, I'm good if I keep the laundry clean (not put up).

Stacy has been good all these years. Part of the reason I came to love him, was because of how he listened to me. He really cared enough to know me. He wanted to help me. Now, I feel as though I have been a burden to him. Constantly weighing him down. And he is frustrated with me. He doesn't understand it anymore. I should be able to make a choice to be happy. I want so much to be able to do that. To wake up and say, "Today I'm going to be happy," and it actually work. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't "keep on, keeping on" anymore.

Silence

For the past several weeks, I have enjoyed the words that God has been speaking to my heart. Even if they were hard, it was good to hear Him speaking to me. It seemed that every Sunday I would receive a morsel of truth and be able to chew on it during the week ahead.

Today, nothing.

I felt somewhat distant today. There were so many things on my mind. I tried to put them out of my mind, to bring myself to some spiritual point so that I could "feel" the annointing. I just couldn't get my brain to focus on "all things spiritual".

So, was God silent today? Did He chose not to speak? Was it me? Did I shut my ears and my heart to the words of the Lord? No, I know what God was speaking today. I think I just didn't want to hear it.

There has been such a battle in my mind lately. And for me that is the hardest struggle of all. I am a thinker. My brain never stops! I'm constantly thinking, even when things are going on, and I'm busy I'm still thinking, remembering, my brain just never stops. So this battle in my mind is wearing me out. There are times I wish I didn't have to analyze everything.

2 Cor 10:5
5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Lord, help me to take my thoughts captive.

Ooey Gooey

Excerpt from Discovering The Way, "The Great Romance":

There is a God who we call Father that does pursue us He is the King of all kings who's love is so large that it could not be contained in the star filled sky. He seeks us out when we are lost and pursues us until we come home to him. I love this time that i live in when my love is fulfilled in Him who comes for me. This time i call The Great Romance. He shows me things of love i can and can not yet comprehend, but those things that i can not yet understand i long for, and those that i do understand make me laugh and joyous and excited for others to understand. His love is amazing. It is an intoxicating thing. To be surrounded by this love is to be drowned in true joy. I long to breathe in the love, deeply breathe in and out so that it fills me and overflows for others to see and drown in.


The first time I read this, I thought "That's a little too ooey, gooey for me." But I keep coming back to it. I keep thinking about "When Heaven Weeps", by Ted Dekker. My initial reaction to this book was much like my reaction to John's blog (Sorry John). It doesn't seem realistic to me. In real life, if someone continues to betray your trust, you stop trusting them! In real life, how can I have an "intoxicating" relationship with an invisible God?

I don't remember when I became such a rational person. But I have stopped believing in miracles, in feelings, in emotions, in relationships. These are romantic ideals that don't exist in this world. I didn't realize I was like this until recently. I can't imagine myself being "carried away" in a current of God's love. People would think I'm crazy! I could just see myself having a conversation with Stacy's brother, and being laughed out of the house for being so simple minded. I have rationalized my relationship with God. Yes, God is real. He is the creator, He is in control of everything we see and don't see, and He is constantly working in my life. Is He loving? To me, I see a "tough love" kind of God, but I have never seen Him as a Father, pursuing His child, longing to run to me, to pick me up, to clean me off, and to forget all past offenses. I've never known that kind of love.

The bible repeatedly calls Jesus the Bridegroom. He is the Bridegroom in Song of Solomon. We are His bride. He pursues with passion, out of His love for us, He went to the cross. It wasn't just because it was His duty, or a job He was called to do, it was because of love. Once again, in "When Heaven Weeps", we see the symbolism play out. Jan is a man who is madly in love, and willing to die for his bride, even though she has betrayed him beyond all reasonable measure. I was discussing this with Stacy and I was of course dismissing this notion as unrealistic. Then I was brought once again to Hosea, and the love God has for His chosen. Hosea took a wife, a prostitute, he provided for her, he loved her, called her his own. What did she do? She went right back to it. But he was made to love her. He went and bought her, and brought her home.

Where do I fit in all this? Am I chosen? Does heaven weep for me?

God, I believe that You chose me. Before I was born You called me. You made me for You. I am made to love You, I am born to worship You. Everything that is in me calls out to You. My soul cries out for You. I want to succumb to the waves of Your love. My flesh clings to this world though. I am tethered to this worlds reality by the pains of this world.

Psalms 42
1As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
2My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
3My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
4These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
5Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
6O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
7Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
8The LORD will command His loving kindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.
9I will say to God my rock, "Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
10As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
11Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.