Former Me

I see her. She is with me always. Her hair is long, and thin. Her skin is pale. I can tell that she is poor by the tattered clothes that she wears. Her sullen eyes sit above tear stained cheeks. She seems frail and the bruises on her arms and legs suggest she is mal-nurished as well. Suffering from abuse and neglect, I know her, she is me. She sits in a dark room and lonliness is her friend. But somehow she comforts me. When I am worn and distressed I come to her, and I feel justified for my anger. My anger with God, my anger with others. All I want is to take her pain, to ease her suffering, to see her smile. She is me.

2 Cor 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Is 43:18-19
18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

These scriptures have been playing over and over again in head, like a broken record for a very long time. It seems that God always brings me back to them. But recently I feel that I have finally come to an understanding of what He has been saying to me.

I have had the image of this broken girl with me for a long time. I have written about her in poems. And when things seem to be at their very worst, I tend to look inwardly and see myself in her. So instead of taking on the image of a new creation, I revert to my past. I take on the image of this girl.

Today, in my (ever so sparadic) quiet time, God showed me some things about this image. God does not see me this way, and not just that, but He did not create me to be this way. So why is it that I am bound to this image. I must be in Christ in order to become a new creation. I must be in the center of His salvation. I have been in salvation, but I have not remained in the center of it. I have lingered on the outside for so long. Stacy and I had an interesting conversation about this one day at the pool. I'm one of those girls who dips my toes in the pool before I decide if I'm gonna get in. Then if I think it's okay, I might stick my feet, then my legs, and slowly work my way to fully soaked. I am have had the same attitude in my salvation. I've been comfortable sitting on the edge with just my feet getting wet. But I watch as my friends and others seem to be enjoying something greater and deeper. I want to be there with them, but I linger. I linger because I'm holding onto this image of my past. This broken little girl. She is afraid, she is timid, she is too fragile to get out there. She will get hurt.

Lord, I want to be in the center of Your salvation. I want to find comfort and rest in You. I need You. I run to You. I cling to You. I reach for You. You alone are my salvation.