Depression

Depression
1995

I saw depression clearly,
She was weak, limp, and lifeless
She turned and sat down in a dark corner,
And rocked back and forth silently.

I saw her pale face and red bleeding wrists.
I heard her soflty crying out questions of why and how,
And I felt her cold clamy hands reach out to me
And ask me for help...

I did.

I started dealing with depression in high school, among a few other teenage diseases. I did my best to deal with it. I remember the counselor calling me to her office one time to make sure everything was okay. Of course I pulled off the perfect smile and said I'm fine. A few weeks later I was taken out of school driven to a local rehab facility where I was entered in a program for counselling sessions. Of course this didn't really work out. Lloyd was there, and they made me answer like 100 questions, so that they could diagnose me I guess. I couldn't even be honest with them about what was going on. Lloyd answered all the questions for me. I remember they asked me if I ever thought about suicide. He laughed out loud and looked at me, and said, "Yeah, Melinda have you ever thought about killing yourself?" To which of course I laughed and said no. If only he really knew. So, I struggled through high school, almost giving up several times. I nearly got kicked out of National Honor Society, and nearly failed band.

Two years out of high school, I got married. Things seemed to finally be right in my life. For almost two years, I rarely dealt with the depression or the eating disorders. I was happy for once, and I knew that I had beaten this thing once and for all. Then, it all came to a hault. January 2001, I found out I was pregnant. I know this should be a joyous occassion, but I feared that it would only remind me of what a mess I was. I cried for nearly an hour. From that moment on, the depression came again. I was once again powerless, and now my moods would be affecting someone else. Would I be passing this on to my child?

So, here I am 2 kids later, and it seems that it only gets worse. Today was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It took everything in me to just get up, shower, and brush my teeth. My house is a mess, the kids were crying most of the day, and I couldn't bring myself to deal with either of these problems. I nearly broke down once. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. But I have things to do, I just want some release. So, I'm considering seeing a doctor. This goes against everything in me really. I don't want to become some medicated old woman. I don't want to depend on drugs to make me function. But when it's like this I have no energy, no desire, no motivation. I want to be a good mother, a good wife, to be able to wake in the morning with a smile, and want to do things with the kids, and enjoy it all. I usually have one good week a month, all the other weeks, I'm good if I keep the laundry clean (not put up).

Stacy has been good all these years. Part of the reason I came to love him, was because of how he listened to me. He really cared enough to know me. He wanted to help me. Now, I feel as though I have been a burden to him. Constantly weighing him down. And he is frustrated with me. He doesn't understand it anymore. I should be able to make a choice to be happy. I want so much to be able to do that. To wake up and say, "Today I'm going to be happy," and it actually work. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't "keep on, keeping on" anymore.