My Verse

Isaiah 43:1

"But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Isreal, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!"

Monday, July 07, 2008



I saw depression clearly,
She was weak, limp, and lifeless
She turned and sat down in a dark corner,
And rocked back and forth silently.

I saw her pale face and red bleeding wrists.
I heard her soflty crying out questions of why and how,
And I felt her cold clamy hands reach out to me
And ask me for help...

I did.

I started dealing with depression in high school, among a few other teenage diseases. I did my best to deal with it. I remember the counselor calling me to her office one time to make sure everything was okay. Of course I pulled off the perfect smile and said I'm fine. A few weeks later I was taken out of school driven to a local rehab facility where I was entered in a program for counselling sessions. Of course this didn't really work out. Lloyd was there, and they made me answer like 100 questions, so that they could diagnose me I guess. I couldn't even be honest with them about what was going on. Lloyd answered all the questions for me. I remember they asked me if I ever thought about suicide. He laughed out loud and looked at me, and said, "Yeah, Melinda have you ever thought about killing yourself?" To which of course I laughed and said no. If only he really knew. So, I struggled through high school, almost giving up several times. I nearly got kicked out of National Honor Society, and nearly failed band.

Two years out of high school, I got married. Things seemed to finally be right in my life. For almost two years, I rarely dealt with the depression or the eating disorders. I was happy for once, and I knew that I had beaten this thing once and for all. Then, it all came to a hault. January 2001, I found out I was pregnant. I know this should be a joyous occassion, but I feared that it would only remind me of what a mess I was. I cried for nearly an hour. From that moment on, the depression came again. I was once again powerless, and now my moods would be affecting someone else. Would I be passing this on to my child?

So, here I am 2 kids later, and it seems that it only gets worse. Today was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It took everything in me to just get up, shower, and brush my teeth. My house is a mess, the kids were crying most of the day, and I couldn't bring myself to deal with either of these problems. I nearly broke down once. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. But I have things to do, I just want some release. So, I'm considering seeing a doctor. This goes against everything in me really. I don't want to become some medicated old woman. I don't want to depend on drugs to make me function. But when it's like this I have no energy, no desire, no motivation. I want to be a good mother, a good wife, to be able to wake in the morning with a smile, and want to do things with the kids, and enjoy it all. I usually have one good week a month, all the other weeks, I'm good if I keep the laundry clean (not put up).

Stacy has been good all these years. Part of the reason I came to love him, was because of how he listened to me. He really cared enough to know me. He wanted to help me. Now, I feel as though I have been a burden to him. Constantly weighing him down. And he is frustrated with me. He doesn't understand it anymore. I should be able to make a choice to be happy. I want so much to be able to do that. To wake up and say, "Today I'm going to be happy," and it actually work. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't "keep on, keeping on" anymore.

1 comment:

wiffleball_legend said...

I love you. You are not a burden to me. I pray that God delivers you, whether it be supernaturally or medically. You are great mother and wife. The Lord has been speaking to you and now the enemy is trying to take you down. Find the things in life to rejoice about. The holy things and think about those things.