Plowing the heart

Two things about me:

1)  I do not have a green thumb anywhere on my body!  I have killed an ivy, and I think my fake plants are starting to die, too!

2)  I'm not a heart person.  I'm a head person.  My  head over rules my heart, 9 out 10 times.  I will give up something I most want, if my brain over thinks it, and has determined I don't really need it. 

Now that you know these two things,  it should be easier to understand why a thing such as Redemption Groups, at my church, is challenging.  It is plowing the heart. 

So, I looked up what exactly plowing is.  I mean, I know it's done, but never really why (there goes my brain).  I do know that seeds need three things; air, water, and warmth.  So, a farmer plows.  The hard dried out top layer of dirt is broken and turned over, exposing the more tender and soft dirt underneath.  It makes the ground healthy, and ready for sowing.  My dirt heart is exposed. 

God, the creator of my heart, Lord of this dirt, but is He father?  daddy?  I keep turning this thought, and I find it difficult to grasp.  In prayer, He is Lord, God, maybe even Heavenly Father (which puts Him at an unattainable distance).  I see His might and power, His sovereignty.  I sing of His glory and greatness.  What do I know of His love and compassion.  His Fathering?

I've played the part (and rather poorly) of toy soldier, obedient subject, servant even.  But there is a part I have not played or accepted, a part that He Himself calls and draws us into.  The daughter.  I am told to come to Him, but I want to fold my arms in around my heart.  I want to cover my aches, my sins, my wounds, my humanness, my dirt.  But He wants it all.  I keep covering it up, and He keeps turning it over.  Back to this spot, this tender spot.  I think it is to do some Lordly, Godly, unknown thing to me.  But maybe, He wants to Father this lump of turned over dirt.  To give me a daddy moment.  I am scared, projecting on my Lord, all the images of failing earthly fathers. 

His sovereignty is above me, but His love is directed to me, in me, surrounds me.  His love is involved.  His love is abounding, occurring, existing in great quantities.  It is rich and well supplied.

Psalm 103:8  The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

Mark 14:36  And he said, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

Romans 8:15  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!"