"Oh God forgive my sin." This has been my mantra for the last couple of months, I'd say. "Lord, help me, and take this from me." I feel much like Israel in the book of Hosea, once again. Just like Israel I am half -heartily coming to the Lord. I still have yet to really repent. I want an easy fix to this situation that I find myself in. I want to wake up one morning and just feel a release without ever really having to do any sacrificing, or really owning up to my sins. I keep scrambling to find another way. But the Lord continues to say to me, "repent." What does repentance look like? How does the Lord want me to repent of this? I couldn't handle a public repent, and the sacrifice seems to great right now. But is it worth reaping the whirlwind? The Lord has continually and plainly shown me the consequences of not repenting. So, I continue to give Him lip service and pray that holds off the wrath until I can make sense of things. My flesh and my spirit are in constant battle, and most days I feel like Paul. The things I want to do, I don't do, and that which I do, I don't want to do. And then the parable of the tares, in the middle of the night, the enemy came and planted tares, and now it has grown up with the rest of the crop. I am a point where I need to allow the Lord to pull it out, but I want to hold on to it a little longer.
"'Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.'"
"What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? For your loyalty is like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early. Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets; I have slain them by the words of My mouth; and the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, and in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God, I don't want your judgement. Lord, kill this sin in me. I want to repent, but I keep going back to it. I want to make a conscious decision to walk away, but every time I am faced with the temptation I stumble and fall. I want to run away from it, but I know that I will just be faced with it somewhere else. There is something deeper, that You are once again exposing, but I just don't want to see it. Seeing it, and knowing what You are showing me means accountability, and responsibility to do the right thing.
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