Well, 7 months later here I am again!!! :)
I'm going to change the format of this blog I think. There is something in me saying I need to open up and share more of who I really am. I can't do that in person, it is way to hard. So, I might try making this blog more like my journal. Yes I do have one, it's very personal and private! See, I like to keep myself hidden, so that people can't hurt me. I'm afraid of their ridicule and I constantly think that others are judging me. I know this sounds alot like paranoia, and maybe it is. So, how do you deal with fear? You face it head on and hope for the best.
Where do I start? I grew up in a small town where nothing really happens. And so I am a boring noone from a boring nowhere town. (How's that for a start?) My momma always told me I could be and do anything if I really put my mind to it. She encouraged me to learn how to play the piano, and keep singing even though my sister would get mad at me. I told her everything, I loved her more than life. I lost her when I was in the 5th grade, and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with, really I still deal with it now. I think had she been there, I would have been a different person, more confident, more secure, better adjusted. But that is not what happened, so I have to move beyond that and take steps to become more confident and more secure and better adjusted, without her. It made me very independent to the point where I don't want help from anyone. But she also encouraged me to write. I still have the poem book she bought me, with all of my first poems (and no I won't share those, too embarassing!).
How does all this tie together? Stacy bought me a keyboard a few years ago, because I suddenly had a compelling desire to play. I couldn't get it out of my head! I was dreaming about playing! I have been messing around with it for sometime, mostly trying to figure out how to play the worship songs from church. Then, maybe a year ago, no less than a year ago, I got sucked into the worship team. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I love to sing, but I don't feel confident in myself. I really do enjoy being a part of the worship team, but I just can't get over this fear of missing a note and everyone hearing it. I aslo suffer from a perfectionist personality, so no mistakes! It really goes deeper than that, but I'll save that for a later date. I don't know why, but lately I have been writing (well attempting to write) songs. I just stand at the keyboard and play till it just comes out. I think God is really trying to get me to open up, I seem to be faced with that everywhere I turn. If I want to do this or that, then I gotta be willing to tell someone why, and elaborate. I feel so afraid. Afraid of getting something wrong or being the wrong person or doing the wrong thing. Remember, I'm just a boring noone from a boring nowhere town.
So, do I put myself out there when everything in me says hide myself away. I can't let people know what a messed up person I am. How I screw up everything. That deep down I feel like a complete failure. I'm even sitting here debating whether or not to really post this. Will I or won't I? HMMM???
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