My Sunday school class has been reading Hosea. And there are some things in Hosea that have been piercing my heart. It is, what has prompted this need to lay bare the things that I have kept hidden for so long. I can't fully describe this battle that is raging in my life right now, but I am compelled to share pieces of it; how it all began, the most recent occurances, and hope for how it will end.
May 24, 2008 2:00 am
"I haven't written in so long. I can't sleep. My head is all messed up. I have only been sinking further and further into depression. I'm looking around trying to place blame on something or someone for this, but I've turned away from God, and I don't even know why. So many times He's proven Himself to me, and it's not like He has anyting to prove, but still I demand proof. And when I don't see it I say, "see Im the only one taking care of me..." And I do stupid stuff like getting drunk. Like throwing up, or taking laxatives. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself. How can anyone really love me? Who could really look at me and see potential, see beauty, and really mean it? I still feel so sick, I'm such an idiot! I didn't want it really, but I got angry and depressed and I thought, "what the hell?" It doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference. Noone's gonna care, everyone else says it's okay. Stacy likes me better with a little alchohol. I know he says he doesn't, but he always seems to brighten up if I drink."
"I'm scared. I'm afraid. What if I'm so far removed there is no hope for me? If there is no hope then why waste time with it? I entertain thoughts of crossing the lines. Reaching the point of no return and just never looking back. Why do I do this? What is wrong with me? I should be happy, and yet I always want more. It's never enough to really satisfy me or really make me happy. It's always gone moments later. God how do I get back to you? I want to, but I don't know if I can. I don't think anyone would understand. Why should I care if they understand? Now I'm angry and bitter. Other people are so fake. They say whatever makes them feel better in front of others, but when it's all over is there really any change, or do they go right back to what they were doing before? Only now it's okay because they've confessed it. God, do I ever change? I've gone back and forth so many times, was it ever real? It seemed real at one time in my life. Like there was really something greater than me calling to me, drawing me closer. I felt You so close then, I knew You then, I believed You then, I trusted You then. I was not afraid of anything. Not ridicule or even death. I believed there was something else beyond me, beyond my mortal flesh. I believed that You were real and that You loved me. That You had loved me before I was ever born. Then my world was slowly stripped away, and even now I feel like I'm losing the only things that I have left. I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting."
"Redemption-to redeem, the act of redeeming. It is a continuing process. Hosea took back his wife repeated times. Would anyone take me back? I keep going back to Lloyd and Gary lately. Looking back at all my failed relationships. How easy it is for me to walk away, to turn my back and say I don't need them. "All those who reject me, I reject you!" There that makes it even. I'm not the type of person who needs to have the acceptance of others. If you don't want me, then I don't want you! But I'm lying. Lying to myself and to them. I want to know love. I'm afraid that God will reject me, so I reject Him. Then that makes me the one in control, yet I'm so out of control. I don't know which wa is up or down. I don't think Stacy really wants me anymore, so maybe that is why I reject him so many times."
"I don't like feeling alone, but I can't seem to keep anyone by my side. I think maybe people are afraid of me. I put of thorns and spikes around myself to keep me from being hurt. Maybe I'm just one big thorn bush. Or maybe I'm so beat up and destroyed that people look at me and think I'm a monster, and I'm going to devour them. But I think people are afraid to get close to me. I'm sure there is a sign on my head that says "I'm bitter" and "I'll hurt you if you get too close", sort of like a "Beware of Dog", run the other way. I repel friendships. I repel love."
"Love. Now we come to it. Love. I don't know it. How can I show it? How could my kids ever know it? I'm afraid of what I am doing to them. Will they grow up not knowing love? That's on me. I'm a failure at everything. I'm sure Lloyd thought I was the last person who needed to have kids. I sitll remember how he liked to remind me how immature and irresponsible I was. I've probably not changed since then at all, still irresponsible. And I don't deserve to raise the children I have. 'Children are a reward.' Both times I have feared bringing them into this world. Not because of this world, but because of me. What if they don't love me either? What if I can't love them like they need? What if I can't provide the things they need? After all I'm irresponsible and selfish and I'm a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate this person that You created. Why me? Why did You waste Your time with me? What good am I? What can I do? I am nothing, I am noone, and I am dirt! I hate You for making me!"
"I just want to be someone else. If I were someone else people would love me, I'd be someone. I wouldn't be me.
I don't know why I am sharing this really, except that I keep feeling that I must be laid bare. My heart must be exposed. My heart the most fragile and vulnerable part of my life. So, I lay it bare now. God, my heart is exposed, and that scares me. I fear the judgement and any condemnation that may follow. I know that it is not You who condemns, but I still fear.
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