Forgiveness...
What a priceless gift. Long ago, we were freely given this gift when a man laid down His life for ours. And yet, still today we hold onto our past and the transgressions committed against us, refusing to forgive those who do not meet up to our standards of repenting. Well, I at least know I am in this catagory.
I can remember what it felt like the first time I said I was sorry for something I had or hadn't done (most likely my daily chores), and the reply I received was "Sorry doesn't cut it." What can do to receive forgiveness if saying I am sorry isn't enough, I must somehow earn the forgiveness and love I am seeking. And if you don't know how to truely show that your sorry for something, how do expect someone to forgive you? It's not enough just to be sorry. I have come to expect the same of others. I would never say it to anyone's face, but I expect an act of seeking forgiveness, and if someone simply says they sorry, I do not feel that they truely mean it.
I was reading Proverbs 17 one day, and tucked away in the middle of the passage is a simple verse that seemed to scream at me that day.
Verse 9:
He who conceals a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.
In my heart once someone has wronged me, that matter is repeated everytime I see them or even think of them. It is repeated because I can't forgive them, if I can't forgive them I can't love them or trust them. It becomes this circle of bitterness and anger that encompasses me, and binds me and puts me in chains. How can I think of seeking forgiveness for my own sins when I can't let go of the things that others have done? And once again I am thrown into my own self made prison. I think I am protecting myself but I shut out everyone and God, but it is lonely when you have seperated yourself from love.
For Christmas, I want to give a priceless gift. But how do I do that? My mind cannot conceive forgiveness without some action. I want to forgive the debts that I wrongly believed were owed to me. To seek love and conceal all transgressions regardless of whether or not that person realizes what they have done (more than likely I have created a mountain out of a molehill).
God, I want to let go of the of the hurts in my past, to not be defined by them any longer. Instead going around showing everyone my scars, I want to say see God has made me whole. To be whole. Am I whole? Make me whole again.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Withering Away
A flower in the sun withers away.
The cool morning seemingly greets her
With a warmth that promises great things.
A trusting flower withers and falls away.
God, I feel like I'm dying inside.
Slowly withering away.
Is this You bringing out a new life?
Or is this me refusing to go Your way?
To die; death brings new life.
A flower dies and spreads seeds
The water falls and the sun warms
Only time will tell if new life will be.
Are You glorified in the death of a flower
Or the raising of something new?
Or is Your glory displayed in the splendor
Of the flowers fragrance, its bloom?
I only want to live
And to live is to bring You glory.
I only want to live
I only want to give You glory.
The cool morning seemingly greets her
With a warmth that promises great things.
A trusting flower withers and falls away.
God, I feel like I'm dying inside.
Slowly withering away.
Is this You bringing out a new life?
Or is this me refusing to go Your way?
To die; death brings new life.
A flower dies and spreads seeds
The water falls and the sun warms
Only time will tell if new life will be.
Are You glorified in the death of a flower
Or the raising of something new?
Or is Your glory displayed in the splendor
Of the flowers fragrance, its bloom?
I only want to live
And to live is to bring You glory.
I only want to live
I only want to give You glory.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
And One More...
Alone and confused
Lost and afraid
I'm broken and bruised
By the mistakes that I've made.
Shattered like glass
Torn from Your grasp
Covered by this filth,
Can You love me still?
I will run to you
I will come to your rescue
I will wipe away the tears
And free you from these chains.
I will run to you
I will come to your aid
I will bind up your brokeness
And wipe away the stains.
Darkness surrounds me
And my enemies abound
I feel alone in this battle
No shelter can be found.
I will run to you
I will come to your rescue
I will stand by your side
When all others have left
I will run to you
I will come to your aid
I will be your place to hide
Your shelter to abide.
Melinda Wells
summer 2008
Lost and afraid
I'm broken and bruised
By the mistakes that I've made.
Shattered like glass
Torn from Your grasp
Covered by this filth,
Can You love me still?
I will run to you
I will come to your rescue
I will wipe away the tears
And free you from these chains.
I will run to you
I will come to your aid
I will bind up your brokeness
And wipe away the stains.
Darkness surrounds me
And my enemies abound
I feel alone in this battle
No shelter can be found.
I will run to you
I will come to your rescue
I will stand by your side
When all others have left
I will run to you
I will come to your aid
I will be your place to hide
Your shelter to abide.
Melinda Wells
summer 2008
Just Because...
I'm dying out here in this vast sea
The wind has blown and seems
to send me farther away from you.
I reach out my hand thinking it is you
As waves crash around me
And salt water fills my lungs.
Oh God can You see me here?
Oh God will You save me?
As I'm tossed by these waves, one thing is clear.
I am a small grain of sand in this vast universe.
My strength is fading in this vast sea
Dear God I need You and yet it seems
I keep getting farther away from You.
Oh God can You see me here?
Oh God will You save me?
Being tossed by these waves, one thing becomes clear
You're beyond all space and time and this vast universe.
Your my only hope, my only place of rest
Reach down Your mighty arm and save me.
Melinda Wells
11/15/08
The wind has blown and seems
to send me farther away from you.
I reach out my hand thinking it is you
As waves crash around me
And salt water fills my lungs.
Oh God can You see me here?
Oh God will You save me?
As I'm tossed by these waves, one thing is clear.
I am a small grain of sand in this vast universe.
My strength is fading in this vast sea
Dear God I need You and yet it seems
I keep getting farther away from You.
Oh God can You see me here?
Oh God will You save me?
Being tossed by these waves, one thing becomes clear
You're beyond all space and time and this vast universe.
Your my only hope, my only place of rest
Reach down Your mighty arm and save me.
Melinda Wells
11/15/08
Monday, October 06, 2008
Around the Throne
I have entered the Holy of Holies, standing before Your throne
The four and twenty elders have cast their crowns at Your feet.
I see Cheribum and Seraphim surrounding Your throne
The four creatures and angels joining in a melody so sweet.
The aroma of praise fills the air, as the glory
and honor You are worthy of causes me to weep.
I am unworthy of Your presence. Please take the coal
to my lips and cleanse them so I may speak
To tell of Your glory and splendor, to sing a new song of praise
To join with those around Your throne and the crystal sea.
I want to stay here with You, to remain at Your throne
and worship forever where I can feel your love and peace.
Melinda Wells Oct 06, 2008
Yesterday morning on my way to church, I was praying and meditating on God's word, when I remembered the verses in Revelation about the creatures and the 24 elders who unceasingly worshiped around the throne of God. How they took their crowns and layed them at the throne and sang :
"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."
There is no glory, no blessing, no praise or adoration that we receive that is of our own merit. Our very lives are not of our own will, but of the One and Only God. I knew at that moment I had to lay down all crowns. Anything that I thought was of my own, I humbly layed it down. I am looking for a job, and I have of course made a resume that boasts of all my accomplishments and experience. But only by the will of God will I ever find a job. I feel honored and humbled to come to Him and worship and Him. It is my honor to lay my life at His feet, to give Him lordship of my life.
The four and twenty elders have cast their crowns at Your feet.
I see Cheribum and Seraphim surrounding Your throne
The four creatures and angels joining in a melody so sweet.
The aroma of praise fills the air, as the glory
and honor You are worthy of causes me to weep.
I am unworthy of Your presence. Please take the coal
to my lips and cleanse them so I may speak
To tell of Your glory and splendor, to sing a new song of praise
To join with those around Your throne and the crystal sea.
I want to stay here with You, to remain at Your throne
and worship forever where I can feel your love and peace.
Melinda Wells Oct 06, 2008
Yesterday morning on my way to church, I was praying and meditating on God's word, when I remembered the verses in Revelation about the creatures and the 24 elders who unceasingly worshiped around the throne of God. How they took their crowns and layed them at the throne and sang :
"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."
There is no glory, no blessing, no praise or adoration that we receive that is of our own merit. Our very lives are not of our own will, but of the One and Only God. I knew at that moment I had to lay down all crowns. Anything that I thought was of my own, I humbly layed it down. I am looking for a job, and I have of course made a resume that boasts of all my accomplishments and experience. But only by the will of God will I ever find a job. I feel honored and humbled to come to Him and worship and Him. It is my honor to lay my life at His feet, to give Him lordship of my life.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
The Dance
Come to Me
Come to Me, my love
Hide away in Me, my love
Chosen for me before you were born,
I called you by name, you are Mine, you're My own
Come take My hand I'll be with you through the flame
Return back to Me, I'll clothe you in My name
Come purchase from Me garments of righteousness
And gold refined in the fire of My holiness
Ransomed from death, washed from your sin
With the blood that I shed so you may live again
Come to Me, my love
Hide away in Me, my love
I'm preparing a place that is made for you
Though I've gone away I will return for you soon
Come away with Me, my love
Hide away in Me, my love
Imagine Cinderella's reaction when the prince wanted to do nothing more than dance with her. Of all the women in the entire kingdom, she was the one he wanted to be with. Like she was made precisely for him. All she had ever known was the cruellity of the world, living in rags, and being told she was nothing. She must have felt fear, what if he saw her for who she really was, a step-child? She must have felt condemned, how could she ever measure up to his royalty, she lived in rags? And yet we all know the story, he felt so connected to her that he searched for her through out the whole kingdom, he had become madly in love with her.
Can you imagine dancing with the Lord? I know it sounds silly, but why not? While writing the above song, I wanted so much to convey God's love for me. How do I protray that in music, not just with lyrics, but with an entire song? It was almost like a scene out of a Jane Austin story. He came to me held out His hand and said, "Dance with Me." The dashing British gentleman, me a penniless female (Cinderella). But the difference is that unlike these fictional characters, I am unworthy of such a love. My story is more like Hosea, I am Gomer who is a prostitute, who is so undeserving of the love that is lavished on her. But still God holds out His hand to me. He wants to bring me in close to Him, to dance with Him, to be with Him, to abide in Him. And as things seem to spin I am grounded in Him, He leads I follow, He holds me steady, and somehow I am changed. I become His bride, pure and spotless, I am beauty, I am grace, I am all that He has seen in me from before the beginning.
Lyrics from:
We Will Dance
Steven Curtis Chapman
We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance
Sometimes it's hard to hold you tight
Sometimes we feel so far apart
Sometimes we dance as one
And feel the beating of each others hearts
Come to Me, my love
Hide away in Me, my love
Chosen for me before you were born,
I called you by name, you are Mine, you're My own
Come take My hand I'll be with you through the flame
Return back to Me, I'll clothe you in My name
Come purchase from Me garments of righteousness
And gold refined in the fire of My holiness
Ransomed from death, washed from your sin
With the blood that I shed so you may live again
Come to Me, my love
Hide away in Me, my love
I'm preparing a place that is made for you
Though I've gone away I will return for you soon
Come away with Me, my love
Hide away in Me, my love
Imagine Cinderella's reaction when the prince wanted to do nothing more than dance with her. Of all the women in the entire kingdom, she was the one he wanted to be with. Like she was made precisely for him. All she had ever known was the cruellity of the world, living in rags, and being told she was nothing. She must have felt fear, what if he saw her for who she really was, a step-child? She must have felt condemned, how could she ever measure up to his royalty, she lived in rags? And yet we all know the story, he felt so connected to her that he searched for her through out the whole kingdom, he had become madly in love with her.
Can you imagine dancing with the Lord? I know it sounds silly, but why not? While writing the above song, I wanted so much to convey God's love for me. How do I protray that in music, not just with lyrics, but with an entire song? It was almost like a scene out of a Jane Austin story. He came to me held out His hand and said, "Dance with Me." The dashing British gentleman, me a penniless female (Cinderella). But the difference is that unlike these fictional characters, I am unworthy of such a love. My story is more like Hosea, I am Gomer who is a prostitute, who is so undeserving of the love that is lavished on her. But still God holds out His hand to me. He wants to bring me in close to Him, to dance with Him, to be with Him, to abide in Him. And as things seem to spin I am grounded in Him, He leads I follow, He holds me steady, and somehow I am changed. I become His bride, pure and spotless, I am beauty, I am grace, I am all that He has seen in me from before the beginning.
Lyrics from:
We Will Dance
Steven Curtis Chapman
We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance
Sometimes it's hard to hold you tight
Sometimes we feel so far apart
Sometimes we dance as one
And feel the beating of each others hearts
The Lord is My Shepherd
Psalm 23
A Psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.
I love verse 1. There are so many things I want. I constantly find myself in a state of wanting. I want a bigger house, a second car, more money. But I forget that God promises me that He will always provide for me, all that I need, not want.
So, if all that I need is provided, why do I seem so dissatisfied? In church today we looked at Gal 6:5.
5 For each one shall bear his own load.
This is the life that God has ordained for me, and I want nothing more than to change it. I live in either my past or the future, and never in the moment. I keep looking for the day when this is all over and I can rest. Why do I have to wait for the future to rest? God says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, but when you are struggling against it, you get worn out. It seems that everyday I am learning more and more how I struggle against God's will for me. Desiring what He has not promised me, and wanting more than He has provided.
Lord, I make this my prayer today. Help me to stop struggling against You, against Your will for me. Help me to live now instead of waiting for the future to live. I give my life now, if I wait till things are better, when I have more money and more time, then I have thrown away the precious life God has given me today. I live for You today, Lord.
A Psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.
I love verse 1. There are so many things I want. I constantly find myself in a state of wanting. I want a bigger house, a second car, more money. But I forget that God promises me that He will always provide for me, all that I need, not want.
So, if all that I need is provided, why do I seem so dissatisfied? In church today we looked at Gal 6:5.
5 For each one shall bear his own load.
This is the life that God has ordained for me, and I want nothing more than to change it. I live in either my past or the future, and never in the moment. I keep looking for the day when this is all over and I can rest. Why do I have to wait for the future to rest? God says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, but when you are struggling against it, you get worn out. It seems that everyday I am learning more and more how I struggle against God's will for me. Desiring what He has not promised me, and wanting more than He has provided.
Lord, I make this my prayer today. Help me to stop struggling against You, against Your will for me. Help me to live now instead of waiting for the future to live. I give my life now, if I wait till things are better, when I have more money and more time, then I have thrown away the precious life God has given me today. I live for You today, Lord.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Premonition
What if you were able to see glimpses into the future? Would you do everything in your power to change the future? Your sitting in your La-z-Boy recliner one evening when all of a sudden your face does a "Raven" and you see a single moment in your future, your death. You can't see the circumstances leading up to it, or any others that may be involved, only you dead from an accident. Would you be like Sandra Bullock in Premonition and go insane trying to figure out all the details so you could change what happened?
Ephesians 4:1
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
There is only one person who knew the time of His death, the circumstances leading up to it and surrounding it. Instead of living His life to somehow change His future, He embraced it, He looked for it, and at times He staved off premature death in order to be at His purposed time.
He lived His life worthy of this calling. Everything about Him pointed towards this purpose.
God has been speaking to me about death. Not a physical death, but a death of my flesh. He has given me a premonition that my past must die. I have moments of feeling like a live person trapped in a casket buried 6 feet under. There is a person inside of me that is screaming to live, but it cannot break free because I have not embraced the death of the old me. I am brought to Col 3 again.
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
and...
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Ephesians 4:1
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
There is only one person who knew the time of His death, the circumstances leading up to it and surrounding it. Instead of living His life to somehow change His future, He embraced it, He looked for it, and at times He staved off premature death in order to be at His purposed time.
He lived His life worthy of this calling. Everything about Him pointed towards this purpose.
God has been speaking to me about death. Not a physical death, but a death of my flesh. He has given me a premonition that my past must die. I have moments of feeling like a live person trapped in a casket buried 6 feet under. There is a person inside of me that is screaming to live, but it cannot break free because I have not embraced the death of the old me. I am brought to Col 3 again.
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
and...
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
and Eph 4...
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Am I walking in forgiveness towards others? Am I walking in unity of the Spirit? What is the calling I have received, and how can I walk worthy of that calling?
First I must partake of the "one baptism" which is dying to my old self, and being raised in Christ as a new creation. Lord, I want to die to my flesh, to my old life. I want to be new in You. You take my life and remove the old rags and like Lazarus You remove the stone and the the wrappings that bind me. I choose life, You are the resurrection and the life, and I choose You. Lord, cause my spirit to live in the unity of Your spirit.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Average
I'm 5'6, 150 lbs (on a good day, early in the morning w/ no extra weight). I wear an 8.5 - 9 size shoe, and I'm a size 10/12 in pants and M shirts. I'm average. When it comes to buying clothes and shoes, I usually find what I like in a size larger or smaller, but rarely in my size. Why? Cause every other average person has already beat me to it. I'm average.
I've always wanted to lead, felt like I could lead, but rarely had anyone follow. I figure people don't want to follow an average person. They want to follow someone who is extraordinary, salient, outstanding. I certainly don't stand out. I'm one of those people who gets lost in the crowd easily. I've been at parties only to have the host ask me the next day if I was there, they just don't remember me.
I've always been the type of person to be second. Not really first at anything. Even my sister recognized this. When my mom passed away and we were allowed to pick through her jewelry to find things we wanted to keep, she of course went first and left me with the things she found to be second rate. Of course she would do her best to assure me that she would make sure I got something of great importance. Okay.
Growing up in my old church is where I usually tried to stand out the most. But once again I was only average. Everytime I felt like I found that place where I finally fit, that place that I just knew God purposed for me, somehow someone else ended up being there. I felt like that kid in a game of musical chairs. You know, the one that always get pushed out of the chair they thought was theirs, or is just too slow to find an open chair. They're always the first one out and they never win. I'm just average.
In terms of pottery, I am the clay piece that sits on a top shelf collecting dust cause there are other identical pieces that seem to be at eye level, and everyone notices those. The ones at the top are always forgotten or seem to end up shattered on the floor.
I'm average.
I've always wanted to lead, felt like I could lead, but rarely had anyone follow. I figure people don't want to follow an average person. They want to follow someone who is extraordinary, salient, outstanding. I certainly don't stand out. I'm one of those people who gets lost in the crowd easily. I've been at parties only to have the host ask me the next day if I was there, they just don't remember me.
I've always been the type of person to be second. Not really first at anything. Even my sister recognized this. When my mom passed away and we were allowed to pick through her jewelry to find things we wanted to keep, she of course went first and left me with the things she found to be second rate. Of course she would do her best to assure me that she would make sure I got something of great importance. Okay.
Growing up in my old church is where I usually tried to stand out the most. But once again I was only average. Everytime I felt like I found that place where I finally fit, that place that I just knew God purposed for me, somehow someone else ended up being there. I felt like that kid in a game of musical chairs. You know, the one that always get pushed out of the chair they thought was theirs, or is just too slow to find an open chair. They're always the first one out and they never win. I'm just average.
In terms of pottery, I am the clay piece that sits on a top shelf collecting dust cause there are other identical pieces that seem to be at eye level, and everyone notices those. The ones at the top are always forgotten or seem to end up shattered on the floor.
I'm average.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Hidden in You
Colossians 3:1-4
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Lord, I want to be hidden in You.
I see myself surrounded by a shroud. It covers me and envelops me completely from head to toe. I am comfortable here, there is peace. I feel safe. Then I am taken, still completely covered, and put into a furnace. It is hot, and I think that my covering is melting away. But no, it melding into me. I am becoming conformed to this shroud. Everything that is earthen, of this world, melts away, and I am taking on a new form. When this process is complete, I am removed from the fire, and my image is now a new creation. I am like gold refined, all impurities have melted away and all that remains is pure gold.
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Lord, I want to be hidden in You.
I see myself surrounded by a shroud. It covers me and envelops me completely from head to toe. I am comfortable here, there is peace. I feel safe. Then I am taken, still completely covered, and put into a furnace. It is hot, and I think that my covering is melting away. But no, it melding into me. I am becoming conformed to this shroud. Everything that is earthen, of this world, melts away, and I am taking on a new form. When this process is complete, I am removed from the fire, and my image is now a new creation. I am like gold refined, all impurities have melted away and all that remains is pure gold.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Being in the Light
Love, it is an intoxicating thing, as John always says! :) When you feel love from others and towards others it effects your mind, your heart, your whole being. I can truely say that I have felt the intoxicating love of my Creator. It has been amazing. I look back over the past few months, and I see the hand of God reaching out to me, to take me by my hand. Like a prince w/ his princess, to rescue her. How many times I refused His hand, only find that I would fall in the mud or become swarmed by my enemies. When all He wanted was to rescue me. Lord, be my refuge, I want to run to You, and hide away in You, in the center of Your salvation.
So, this love that I feel needs a place a go. It is overwhelming. Because of my hardened heart, I did not know how to show love towards others. If my friends betrayed me, I cut them off. If people hurt me, I cursed them. My words were my weapon, and I have killed so many with them. 1 John 2 speaks of love as being in the light. It says that if you hate your brother, you are not in the light, if you love the world you are not in the light. I had been living such a backwards life. I lusted after things of this world, and hated my brothers. I was in complete darkness. Praise You Lord for shining Your light on me! I want to be in the light as You are in the light! So, how do I do that? I must love!
James 3 talks of the tounge being an evil that cannot be tamed. But verse 4 says this:
Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.
This stuck out to me more than anything. With my tounge I praise and curse, but how do I tame my tounge so that all that comes out is what God wants. It comes back to who is piloting my ship. Am I the pilot, with a deceitful heart? Or have I truely given this vessel over to the Lord so that He may put a bridel on my tounge and cause it speak His words of love?
Lord my heart is Yours. I want to surrender control of my life, and trust You. I believe that You love me. That You are Love, and that You have loved me from the beginning. I want to show Your love to others. To walk in love so that I may continue to walk in Your light. I want Your praise to be continually on my lips. With my words I want to bring life, not death.
Proverbs 18:21
21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
So, this love that I feel needs a place a go. It is overwhelming. Because of my hardened heart, I did not know how to show love towards others. If my friends betrayed me, I cut them off. If people hurt me, I cursed them. My words were my weapon, and I have killed so many with them. 1 John 2 speaks of love as being in the light. It says that if you hate your brother, you are not in the light, if you love the world you are not in the light. I had been living such a backwards life. I lusted after things of this world, and hated my brothers. I was in complete darkness. Praise You Lord for shining Your light on me! I want to be in the light as You are in the light! So, how do I do that? I must love!
James 3 talks of the tounge being an evil that cannot be tamed. But verse 4 says this:
Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.
This stuck out to me more than anything. With my tounge I praise and curse, but how do I tame my tounge so that all that comes out is what God wants. It comes back to who is piloting my ship. Am I the pilot, with a deceitful heart? Or have I truely given this vessel over to the Lord so that He may put a bridel on my tounge and cause it speak His words of love?
Lord my heart is Yours. I want to surrender control of my life, and trust You. I believe that You love me. That You are Love, and that You have loved me from the beginning. I want to show Your love to others. To walk in love so that I may continue to walk in Your light. I want Your praise to be continually on my lips. With my words I want to bring life, not death.
Proverbs 18:21
21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Former Me
I see her. She is with me always. Her hair is long, and thin. Her skin is pale. I can tell that she is poor by the tattered clothes that she wears. Her sullen eyes sit above tear stained cheeks. She seems frail and the bruises on her arms and legs suggest she is mal-nurished as well. Suffering from abuse and neglect, I know her, she is me. She sits in a dark room and lonliness is her friend. But somehow she comforts me. When I am worn and distressed I come to her, and I feel justified for my anger. My anger with God, my anger with others. All I want is to take her pain, to ease her suffering, to see her smile. She is me.
2 Cor 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Is 43:18-19
18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
These scriptures have been playing over and over again in head, like a broken record for a very long time. It seems that God always brings me back to them. But recently I feel that I have finally come to an understanding of what He has been saying to me.
I have had the image of this broken girl with me for a long time. I have written about her in poems. And when things seem to be at their very worst, I tend to look inwardly and see myself in her. So instead of taking on the image of a new creation, I revert to my past. I take on the image of this girl.
Today, in my (ever so sparadic) quiet time, God showed me some things about this image. God does not see me this way, and not just that, but He did not create me to be this way. So why is it that I am bound to this image. I must be in Christ in order to become a new creation. I must be in the center of His salvation. I have been in salvation, but I have not remained in the center of it. I have lingered on the outside for so long. Stacy and I had an interesting conversation about this one day at the pool. I'm one of those girls who dips my toes in the pool before I decide if I'm gonna get in. Then if I think it's okay, I might stick my feet, then my legs, and slowly work my way to fully soaked. I am have had the same attitude in my salvation. I've been comfortable sitting on the edge with just my feet getting wet. But I watch as my friends and others seem to be enjoying something greater and deeper. I want to be there with them, but I linger. I linger because I'm holding onto this image of my past. This broken little girl. She is afraid, she is timid, she is too fragile to get out there. She will get hurt.
Lord, I want to be in the center of Your salvation. I want to find comfort and rest in You. I need You. I run to You. I cling to You. I reach for You. You alone are my salvation.
2 Cor 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Is 43:18-19
18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
These scriptures have been playing over and over again in head, like a broken record for a very long time. It seems that God always brings me back to them. But recently I feel that I have finally come to an understanding of what He has been saying to me.
I have had the image of this broken girl with me for a long time. I have written about her in poems. And when things seem to be at their very worst, I tend to look inwardly and see myself in her. So instead of taking on the image of a new creation, I revert to my past. I take on the image of this girl.
Today, in my (ever so sparadic) quiet time, God showed me some things about this image. God does not see me this way, and not just that, but He did not create me to be this way. So why is it that I am bound to this image. I must be in Christ in order to become a new creation. I must be in the center of His salvation. I have been in salvation, but I have not remained in the center of it. I have lingered on the outside for so long. Stacy and I had an interesting conversation about this one day at the pool. I'm one of those girls who dips my toes in the pool before I decide if I'm gonna get in. Then if I think it's okay, I might stick my feet, then my legs, and slowly work my way to fully soaked. I am have had the same attitude in my salvation. I've been comfortable sitting on the edge with just my feet getting wet. But I watch as my friends and others seem to be enjoying something greater and deeper. I want to be there with them, but I linger. I linger because I'm holding onto this image of my past. This broken little girl. She is afraid, she is timid, she is too fragile to get out there. She will get hurt.
Lord, I want to be in the center of Your salvation. I want to find comfort and rest in You. I need You. I run to You. I cling to You. I reach for You. You alone are my salvation.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Peace in the Storm
Turmoil: a state or condition of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion. My heart is in this state right now. I have so much going on. My flesh and spirit are in constant battle, and most days it is my flesh that wins out. And God is speaking to me so many things, but I can't seem to make sense of it because of this battle. It's like three conversations at once, and I find myself just wanting to stick my fingers in my ears to have some peace.
Then there seems to be this deep desire burning in me. I can't explain it really, but at times I find myself just longing. Longing for God, longing for love, longing for something to bring me fulfillment. And I don't always seek for it in the right place.
I need to come to a place where I can find all that I need in Christ. I know that sounds like a sunday school answer, but really isn't it true? I need to know love. I want to know love. I long for love. Love in so many shapes and forms and meanings. The only place where that is found is in Christ.
I will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at your feet,
Let me find I'm at your feet.
I leave my father's house, and
I leave my Mother.
I leave all I have known, and
I'll have no other.
For I am in love with you, and there is no cost.
I am in love with you, and there is no loss.
I am in love with you, I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
Just let me cling to you, Jesus.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and
I Press on, yes I press on.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and
I press on, yes I press on.
For I am in love with you, and there is no cost.
I am in love with you, and there is no loss.
I am in love with you, I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you,
Jesus, just let me cling to you,
Jesus, I want to cling to you...
To turn my back on all other's. To forsake all and run after my creator. God, I want to know You more, to search You out. To find my satisfaction in You. To be in You, to be found in You. In You I find perfect peace. In You I find release from this turmoil.
Then there seems to be this deep desire burning in me. I can't explain it really, but at times I find myself just longing. Longing for God, longing for love, longing for something to bring me fulfillment. And I don't always seek for it in the right place.
I need to come to a place where I can find all that I need in Christ. I know that sounds like a sunday school answer, but really isn't it true? I need to know love. I want to know love. I long for love. Love in so many shapes and forms and meanings. The only place where that is found is in Christ.
I will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at your feet,
Let me find I'm at your feet.
I leave my father's house, and
I leave my Mother.
I leave all I have known, and
I'll have no other.
For I am in love with you, and there is no cost.
I am in love with you, and there is no loss.
I am in love with you, I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
Just let me cling to you, Jesus.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and
I Press on, yes I press on.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and
I press on, yes I press on.
For I am in love with you, and there is no cost.
I am in love with you, and there is no loss.
I am in love with you, I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you,
Jesus, just let me cling to you,
Jesus, I want to cling to you...
To turn my back on all other's. To forsake all and run after my creator. God, I want to know You more, to search You out. To find my satisfaction in You. To be in You, to be found in You. In You I find perfect peace. In You I find release from this turmoil.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Vacation!!!
well, just wanted to let everyone know that we are going to be on a little mini vacation. Sorry, there won't be any posts till later in the week. :( I know you are all very sad! But do not fret I will be back shortly with quite a bit to say! Love you all and may the Lord bless you!
Monday, July 07, 2008
Depression
Depression
1995
I saw depression clearly,
She was weak, limp, and lifeless
She turned and sat down in a dark corner,
And rocked back and forth silently.
I saw her pale face and red bleeding wrists.
I heard her soflty crying out questions of why and how,
And I felt her cold clamy hands reach out to me
And ask me for help...
I did.
I started dealing with depression in high school, among a few other teenage diseases. I did my best to deal with it. I remember the counselor calling me to her office one time to make sure everything was okay. Of course I pulled off the perfect smile and said I'm fine. A few weeks later I was taken out of school driven to a local rehab facility where I was entered in a program for counselling sessions. Of course this didn't really work out. Lloyd was there, and they made me answer like 100 questions, so that they could diagnose me I guess. I couldn't even be honest with them about what was going on. Lloyd answered all the questions for me. I remember they asked me if I ever thought about suicide. He laughed out loud and looked at me, and said, "Yeah, Melinda have you ever thought about killing yourself?" To which of course I laughed and said no. If only he really knew. So, I struggled through high school, almost giving up several times. I nearly got kicked out of National Honor Society, and nearly failed band.
Two years out of high school, I got married. Things seemed to finally be right in my life. For almost two years, I rarely dealt with the depression or the eating disorders. I was happy for once, and I knew that I had beaten this thing once and for all. Then, it all came to a hault. January 2001, I found out I was pregnant. I know this should be a joyous occassion, but I feared that it would only remind me of what a mess I was. I cried for nearly an hour. From that moment on, the depression came again. I was once again powerless, and now my moods would be affecting someone else. Would I be passing this on to my child?
So, here I am 2 kids later, and it seems that it only gets worse. Today was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It took everything in me to just get up, shower, and brush my teeth. My house is a mess, the kids were crying most of the day, and I couldn't bring myself to deal with either of these problems. I nearly broke down once. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. But I have things to do, I just want some release. So, I'm considering seeing a doctor. This goes against everything in me really. I don't want to become some medicated old woman. I don't want to depend on drugs to make me function. But when it's like this I have no energy, no desire, no motivation. I want to be a good mother, a good wife, to be able to wake in the morning with a smile, and want to do things with the kids, and enjoy it all. I usually have one good week a month, all the other weeks, I'm good if I keep the laundry clean (not put up).
Stacy has been good all these years. Part of the reason I came to love him, was because of how he listened to me. He really cared enough to know me. He wanted to help me. Now, I feel as though I have been a burden to him. Constantly weighing him down. And he is frustrated with me. He doesn't understand it anymore. I should be able to make a choice to be happy. I want so much to be able to do that. To wake up and say, "Today I'm going to be happy," and it actually work. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't "keep on, keeping on" anymore.
1995
I saw depression clearly,
She was weak, limp, and lifeless
She turned and sat down in a dark corner,
And rocked back and forth silently.
I saw her pale face and red bleeding wrists.
I heard her soflty crying out questions of why and how,
And I felt her cold clamy hands reach out to me
And ask me for help...
I did.
I started dealing with depression in high school, among a few other teenage diseases. I did my best to deal with it. I remember the counselor calling me to her office one time to make sure everything was okay. Of course I pulled off the perfect smile and said I'm fine. A few weeks later I was taken out of school driven to a local rehab facility where I was entered in a program for counselling sessions. Of course this didn't really work out. Lloyd was there, and they made me answer like 100 questions, so that they could diagnose me I guess. I couldn't even be honest with them about what was going on. Lloyd answered all the questions for me. I remember they asked me if I ever thought about suicide. He laughed out loud and looked at me, and said, "Yeah, Melinda have you ever thought about killing yourself?" To which of course I laughed and said no. If only he really knew. So, I struggled through high school, almost giving up several times. I nearly got kicked out of National Honor Society, and nearly failed band.
Two years out of high school, I got married. Things seemed to finally be right in my life. For almost two years, I rarely dealt with the depression or the eating disorders. I was happy for once, and I knew that I had beaten this thing once and for all. Then, it all came to a hault. January 2001, I found out I was pregnant. I know this should be a joyous occassion, but I feared that it would only remind me of what a mess I was. I cried for nearly an hour. From that moment on, the depression came again. I was once again powerless, and now my moods would be affecting someone else. Would I be passing this on to my child?
So, here I am 2 kids later, and it seems that it only gets worse. Today was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It took everything in me to just get up, shower, and brush my teeth. My house is a mess, the kids were crying most of the day, and I couldn't bring myself to deal with either of these problems. I nearly broke down once. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. But I have things to do, I just want some release. So, I'm considering seeing a doctor. This goes against everything in me really. I don't want to become some medicated old woman. I don't want to depend on drugs to make me function. But when it's like this I have no energy, no desire, no motivation. I want to be a good mother, a good wife, to be able to wake in the morning with a smile, and want to do things with the kids, and enjoy it all. I usually have one good week a month, all the other weeks, I'm good if I keep the laundry clean (not put up).
Stacy has been good all these years. Part of the reason I came to love him, was because of how he listened to me. He really cared enough to know me. He wanted to help me. Now, I feel as though I have been a burden to him. Constantly weighing him down. And he is frustrated with me. He doesn't understand it anymore. I should be able to make a choice to be happy. I want so much to be able to do that. To wake up and say, "Today I'm going to be happy," and it actually work. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't "keep on, keeping on" anymore.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Silence
For the past several weeks, I have enjoyed the words that God has been speaking to my heart. Even if they were hard, it was good to hear Him speaking to me. It seemed that every Sunday I would receive a morsel of truth and be able to chew on it during the week ahead.
Today, nothing.
I felt somewhat distant today. There were so many things on my mind. I tried to put them out of my mind, to bring myself to some spiritual point so that I could "feel" the annointing. I just couldn't get my brain to focus on "all things spiritual".
So, was God silent today? Did He chose not to speak? Was it me? Did I shut my ears and my heart to the words of the Lord? No, I know what God was speaking today. I think I just didn't want to hear it.
There has been such a battle in my mind lately. And for me that is the hardest struggle of all. I am a thinker. My brain never stops! I'm constantly thinking, even when things are going on, and I'm busy I'm still thinking, remembering, my brain just never stops. So this battle in my mind is wearing me out. There are times I wish I didn't have to analyze everything.
2 Cor 10:5
5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Lord, help me to take my thoughts captive.
Today, nothing.
I felt somewhat distant today. There were so many things on my mind. I tried to put them out of my mind, to bring myself to some spiritual point so that I could "feel" the annointing. I just couldn't get my brain to focus on "all things spiritual".
So, was God silent today? Did He chose not to speak? Was it me? Did I shut my ears and my heart to the words of the Lord? No, I know what God was speaking today. I think I just didn't want to hear it.
There has been such a battle in my mind lately. And for me that is the hardest struggle of all. I am a thinker. My brain never stops! I'm constantly thinking, even when things are going on, and I'm busy I'm still thinking, remembering, my brain just never stops. So this battle in my mind is wearing me out. There are times I wish I didn't have to analyze everything.
2 Cor 10:5
5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Lord, help me to take my thoughts captive.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Ooey Gooey
Excerpt from Discovering The Way, "The Great Romance":
There is a God who we call Father that does pursue us He is the King of all kings who's love is so large that it could not be contained in the star filled sky. He seeks us out when we are lost and pursues us until we come home to him. I love this time that i live in when my love is fulfilled in Him who comes for me. This time i call The Great Romance. He shows me things of love i can and can not yet comprehend, but those things that i can not yet understand i long for, and those that i do understand make me laugh and joyous and excited for others to understand. His love is amazing. It is an intoxicating thing. To be surrounded by this love is to be drowned in true joy. I long to breathe in the love, deeply breathe in and out so that it fills me and overflows for others to see and drown in.
The first time I read this, I thought "That's a little too ooey, gooey for me." But I keep coming back to it. I keep thinking about "When Heaven Weeps", by Ted Dekker. My initial reaction to this book was much like my reaction to John's blog (Sorry John). It doesn't seem realistic to me. In real life, if someone continues to betray your trust, you stop trusting them! In real life, how can I have an "intoxicating" relationship with an invisible God?
I don't remember when I became such a rational person. But I have stopped believing in miracles, in feelings, in emotions, in relationships. These are romantic ideals that don't exist in this world. I didn't realize I was like this until recently. I can't imagine myself being "carried away" in a current of God's love. People would think I'm crazy! I could just see myself having a conversation with Stacy's brother, and being laughed out of the house for being so simple minded. I have rationalized my relationship with God. Yes, God is real. He is the creator, He is in control of everything we see and don't see, and He is constantly working in my life. Is He loving? To me, I see a "tough love" kind of God, but I have never seen Him as a Father, pursuing His child, longing to run to me, to pick me up, to clean me off, and to forget all past offenses. I've never known that kind of love.
The bible repeatedly calls Jesus the Bridegroom. He is the Bridegroom in Song of Solomon. We are His bride. He pursues with passion, out of His love for us, He went to the cross. It wasn't just because it was His duty, or a job He was called to do, it was because of love. Once again, in "When Heaven Weeps", we see the symbolism play out. Jan is a man who is madly in love, and willing to die for his bride, even though she has betrayed him beyond all reasonable measure. I was discussing this with Stacy and I was of course dismissing this notion as unrealistic. Then I was brought once again to Hosea, and the love God has for His chosen. Hosea took a wife, a prostitute, he provided for her, he loved her, called her his own. What did she do? She went right back to it. But he was made to love her. He went and bought her, and brought her home.
Where do I fit in all this? Am I chosen? Does heaven weep for me?
God, I believe that You chose me. Before I was born You called me. You made me for You. I am made to love You, I am born to worship You. Everything that is in me calls out to You. My soul cries out for You. I want to succumb to the waves of Your love. My flesh clings to this world though. I am tethered to this worlds reality by the pains of this world.
Psalms 42
1As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
2My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
3My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
4These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
5Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
6O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
7Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
8The LORD will command His loving kindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.
9I will say to God my rock, "Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
10As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
11Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
There is a God who we call Father that does pursue us He is the King of all kings who's love is so large that it could not be contained in the star filled sky. He seeks us out when we are lost and pursues us until we come home to him. I love this time that i live in when my love is fulfilled in Him who comes for me. This time i call The Great Romance. He shows me things of love i can and can not yet comprehend, but those things that i can not yet understand i long for, and those that i do understand make me laugh and joyous and excited for others to understand. His love is amazing. It is an intoxicating thing. To be surrounded by this love is to be drowned in true joy. I long to breathe in the love, deeply breathe in and out so that it fills me and overflows for others to see and drown in.
The first time I read this, I thought "That's a little too ooey, gooey for me." But I keep coming back to it. I keep thinking about "When Heaven Weeps", by Ted Dekker. My initial reaction to this book was much like my reaction to John's blog (Sorry John). It doesn't seem realistic to me. In real life, if someone continues to betray your trust, you stop trusting them! In real life, how can I have an "intoxicating" relationship with an invisible God?
I don't remember when I became such a rational person. But I have stopped believing in miracles, in feelings, in emotions, in relationships. These are romantic ideals that don't exist in this world. I didn't realize I was like this until recently. I can't imagine myself being "carried away" in a current of God's love. People would think I'm crazy! I could just see myself having a conversation with Stacy's brother, and being laughed out of the house for being so simple minded. I have rationalized my relationship with God. Yes, God is real. He is the creator, He is in control of everything we see and don't see, and He is constantly working in my life. Is He loving? To me, I see a "tough love" kind of God, but I have never seen Him as a Father, pursuing His child, longing to run to me, to pick me up, to clean me off, and to forget all past offenses. I've never known that kind of love.
The bible repeatedly calls Jesus the Bridegroom. He is the Bridegroom in Song of Solomon. We are His bride. He pursues with passion, out of His love for us, He went to the cross. It wasn't just because it was His duty, or a job He was called to do, it was because of love. Once again, in "When Heaven Weeps", we see the symbolism play out. Jan is a man who is madly in love, and willing to die for his bride, even though she has betrayed him beyond all reasonable measure. I was discussing this with Stacy and I was of course dismissing this notion as unrealistic. Then I was brought once again to Hosea, and the love God has for His chosen. Hosea took a wife, a prostitute, he provided for her, he loved her, called her his own. What did she do? She went right back to it. But he was made to love her. He went and bought her, and brought her home.
Where do I fit in all this? Am I chosen? Does heaven weep for me?
God, I believe that You chose me. Before I was born You called me. You made me for You. I am made to love You, I am born to worship You. Everything that is in me calls out to You. My soul cries out for You. I want to succumb to the waves of Your love. My flesh clings to this world though. I am tethered to this worlds reality by the pains of this world.
Psalms 42
1As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
2My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
3My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
4These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
5Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
6O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
7Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
8The LORD will command His loving kindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.
9I will say to God my rock, "Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
10As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
11Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
Monday, June 30, 2008
I Know His Voice
Rev 3:14-21
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this:
15'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
16'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
17'Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked,
18I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.
19'Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.
20'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.
21'He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.
Excerpt from "Exposed"
"I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting"
I love the way God speaks to me. It is undeniably His audible voice. Just like my kids crying or my husband speaking, I know that it is them. The time that I have spent with them has allowed for me to recognize their voice and never doubt that it is them. This is also true of my God. I can't deny that it is His voice that hear.
Lord God, I come to You to purchase gold refined by Your fire, and white garments too, that You would clothe my nakedness. You are my cover, You are my shield, You are the One that I run to. You call me Your own, Your beloved, and so many times I have run from you. Like Adam and Eve in the garden I am ashamed because of my sin and I run and hide from You. Like Gomer I have chased after this world, and called to it like a lover. But I return to You to purchase all that You have for me. Lord your kindness, unfailing love, is what brings me back to repentence. Your love for me has "lifted me up" like Jonah. You have pursued me, and evenin the pit You were there, wooing me. Ready at a moments notice to rescue me. Lord I love You!
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this:
15'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
16'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
17'Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked,
18I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.
19'Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.
20'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.
21'He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.
Excerpt from "Exposed"
"I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting"
I love the way God speaks to me. It is undeniably His audible voice. Just like my kids crying or my husband speaking, I know that it is them. The time that I have spent with them has allowed for me to recognize their voice and never doubt that it is them. This is also true of my God. I can't deny that it is His voice that hear.
Lord God, I come to You to purchase gold refined by Your fire, and white garments too, that You would clothe my nakedness. You are my cover, You are my shield, You are the One that I run to. You call me Your own, Your beloved, and so many times I have run from you. Like Adam and Eve in the garden I am ashamed because of my sin and I run and hide from You. Like Gomer I have chased after this world, and called to it like a lover. But I return to You to purchase all that You have for me. Lord your kindness, unfailing love, is what brings me back to repentence. Your love for me has "lifted me up" like Jonah. You have pursued me, and evenin the pit You were there, wooing me. Ready at a moments notice to rescue me. Lord I love You!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Looking Glass
I see my past,
glimpses in a looking glass
Fragments of time,
that seem forever etched in my mind
I see the present,
My heart so tired and spent
As my life goes so fast
like sand slipping through an hour glass
Today, I remembered a time in my life that the pain was so great. It felt as though Ihad walked through a looking glass, and was living it all again. I was getting ready to leave for spring break. I had to find a way to get out of my house. The stress had just been too great. My dad (the person that adopted me when my mom passed away) and I had been at each others throats like crazy. I knew that if I didn't get away, things could really get ugly. I planned a visit to my other dads home for the week. I came home from church on that Sunday afternoon to grab my bags, and meet him in Abilene with some friends. I don't remember what I did wrong, but I'm sure I didn't clean something or left something turned on. I don't remember anything else before then really, I just remember that fight. The yelling, the pushing, the anger. I know that it wasn't what I wanted, and yet maybe I did. Maybe I wanted a reason to leave, a reason to run away. I just remember the last words that he said to me. "I hate you, and I hope you never come back." It stung me. I muster all my strength for a just as equally hurtful blow, "I hope so too!" Or something like that I'm sure. All I wanted was for someone to accept me. To love me. I had made a choice when my mom died to stay with a man who was not related to me at all. But all those years that she was alive he had become my father, the person I looked to, the person I loved as a father, no a dad. I had walked away from the other, and chosen him. And I stood there in the living room of the house, and felt the rejection. I could barely contain the tears long enough to leave so he wouldn't see. I couldn't let him know he had hurt me so much. I had to be tough, strong, unbreakable!
Sometimes I feel that way with God. Like I have done something wrong and we're standing in that same room fighting like cats and dogs, bent on killing each other. I am so afraid that I will hear those words again. I know that God's love is unending, but what else do I have to go on?
glimpses in a looking glass
Fragments of time,
that seem forever etched in my mind
I see the present,
My heart so tired and spent
As my life goes so fast
like sand slipping through an hour glass
Today, I remembered a time in my life that the pain was so great. It felt as though Ihad walked through a looking glass, and was living it all again. I was getting ready to leave for spring break. I had to find a way to get out of my house. The stress had just been too great. My dad (the person that adopted me when my mom passed away) and I had been at each others throats like crazy. I knew that if I didn't get away, things could really get ugly. I planned a visit to my other dads home for the week. I came home from church on that Sunday afternoon to grab my bags, and meet him in Abilene with some friends. I don't remember what I did wrong, but I'm sure I didn't clean something or left something turned on. I don't remember anything else before then really, I just remember that fight. The yelling, the pushing, the anger. I know that it wasn't what I wanted, and yet maybe I did. Maybe I wanted a reason to leave, a reason to run away. I just remember the last words that he said to me. "I hate you, and I hope you never come back." It stung me. I muster all my strength for a just as equally hurtful blow, "I hope so too!" Or something like that I'm sure. All I wanted was for someone to accept me. To love me. I had made a choice when my mom died to stay with a man who was not related to me at all. But all those years that she was alive he had become my father, the person I looked to, the person I loved as a father, no a dad. I had walked away from the other, and chosen him. And I stood there in the living room of the house, and felt the rejection. I could barely contain the tears long enough to leave so he wouldn't see. I couldn't let him know he had hurt me so much. I had to be tough, strong, unbreakable!
Sometimes I feel that way with God. Like I have done something wrong and we're standing in that same room fighting like cats and dogs, bent on killing each other. I am so afraid that I will hear those words again. I know that God's love is unending, but what else do I have to go on?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Desire
I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing about this "Great Romance." According to some (ahem, John) I need to read a few more books first! :) But I know that God is doing something in me right now, and it feels so much like a love song being whispered directly to my heart. Oh man that sounds so sappy!
Sunday morning worship we sang "Let it Rain", with a repative chorus of "let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven, let it rain." I thought to myself, what am I wanting to rain down on me? Fire? Water? Grace, mercy, love? The list is continuous. But what I heard in heart, was God saying it didn't matter in what form He was raining in my life, my desire should be like a person in the desert. Thankful for the rain. To stand in it and be completely soaked in it.
My desire has not been for God. I have selfishly desired my own happiness, my satisfaction, my comfort. At the expense of a relationship with the only One who can provide all my needs.
God's desire is for me. From the very beginning He chose me. He has pursued me. He longs to rescue me. He is wooing me. He continues to protect me. And He lavishes on me, beauty. Beauty, not in terms that this world can understand, but through His grace and His mercy. He looks on me with love and He sees who He created me to be. A creation taking form.
Why do I stubbornly reject this idea? Maybe I do not feel that I am worthy of such a love? Maybe I hit my head and I've forgotten...
Sunday morning worship we sang "Let it Rain", with a repative chorus of "let it rain, let it rain, open the floodgates of heaven, let it rain." I thought to myself, what am I wanting to rain down on me? Fire? Water? Grace, mercy, love? The list is continuous. But what I heard in heart, was God saying it didn't matter in what form He was raining in my life, my desire should be like a person in the desert. Thankful for the rain. To stand in it and be completely soaked in it.
My desire has not been for God. I have selfishly desired my own happiness, my satisfaction, my comfort. At the expense of a relationship with the only One who can provide all my needs.
God's desire is for me. From the very beginning He chose me. He has pursued me. He longs to rescue me. He is wooing me. He continues to protect me. And He lavishes on me, beauty. Beauty, not in terms that this world can understand, but through His grace and His mercy. He looks on me with love and He sees who He created me to be. A creation taking form.
Why do I stubbornly reject this idea? Maybe I do not feel that I am worthy of such a love? Maybe I hit my head and I've forgotten...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
patience!
Okay, so I know I haven't written anything in about a week. I'm mulling around an idea for a topic from another book that I'm reading. I just can't seem to get the idea of a "Great Romance" out of my head! I didn't have alot of relationships growing up, but I had a few boyfriends most were not concerned with romance, just getting what they wanted. But that is not how God works, and it is evidenced throughout His word.
Anyways, this a little preview to what I'm working on. Please be patient!
Anyways, this a little preview to what I'm working on. Please be patient!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Repentence-more than lip service
"Oh God forgive my sin." This has been my mantra for the last couple of months, I'd say. "Lord, help me, and take this from me." I feel much like Israel in the book of Hosea, once again. Just like Israel I am half -heartily coming to the Lord. I still have yet to really repent. I want an easy fix to this situation that I find myself in. I want to wake up one morning and just feel a release without ever really having to do any sacrificing, or really owning up to my sins. I keep scrambling to find another way. But the Lord continues to say to me, "repent." What does repentance look like? How does the Lord want me to repent of this? I couldn't handle a public repent, and the sacrifice seems to great right now. But is it worth reaping the whirlwind? The Lord has continually and plainly shown me the consequences of not repenting. So, I continue to give Him lip service and pray that holds off the wrath until I can make sense of things. My flesh and my spirit are in constant battle, and most days I feel like Paul. The things I want to do, I don't do, and that which I do, I don't want to do. And then the parable of the tares, in the middle of the night, the enemy came and planted tares, and now it has grown up with the rest of the crop. I am a point where I need to allow the Lord to pull it out, but I want to hold on to it a little longer.
Hosea 6:1-6
"'Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.'"
"What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? For your loyalty is like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early. Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets; I have slain them by the words of My mouth; and the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, and in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God, I don't want your judgement. Lord, kill this sin in me. I want to repent, but I keep going back to it. I want to make a conscious decision to walk away, but every time I am faced with the temptation I stumble and fall. I want to run away from it, but I know that I will just be faced with it somewhere else. There is something deeper, that You are once again exposing, but I just don't want to see it. Seeing it, and knowing what You are showing me means accountability, and responsibility to do the right thing.
Hosea 6:1-6
"'Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the the third day, that we may live before Him. So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.'"
"What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? For your loyalty is like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early. Therefore I have hewn them in pieces by the prophets; I have slain them by the words of My mouth; and the judgments on you are like the light that goes forth. For I delight in loyalty rather than sacrifice, and in the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
God, I don't want your judgement. Lord, kill this sin in me. I want to repent, but I keep going back to it. I want to make a conscious decision to walk away, but every time I am faced with the temptation I stumble and fall. I want to run away from it, but I know that I will just be faced with it somewhere else. There is something deeper, that You are once again exposing, but I just don't want to see it. Seeing it, and knowing what You are showing me means accountability, and responsibility to do the right thing.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Say Hello
Hey there! just want to say that I know not many people read this blog. I kinda like it that way! But it would be nice if someone left at least a "HI, how are ya?" Let me know that the 30 some odd hits aren't just my own! :)
So, leave me some comments, some arguments, some something, just let me know you're out there!
So, leave me some comments, some arguments, some something, just let me know you're out there!
Reoccuring theme: LOVE
1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I just finished one of the best books I've read in a long time! I don't even know how to begin to explain it. But I've gotta try to make sense of the thoughts and stuff running rampant in my head right now!
There is a part towards the end, just before the final climax where the Truth is revealed. But what is interesting is the character's reaction to that truth. "What kind of man would agree to such a thing? A man of virtue. But he didn't feel like a man of virtue. A man of great faith. But he didn't have any faith. A man who was unique and powerful. But he didn't want to be either unique or powerful."
This character, Johnny, goes on to describe himself as a shadow of himself. The person who he started out be, seems to be dead, no longer a part of who he is now. Because of the inward conflict, he struggles with it. He has a choice to make, but cannot seem to find the strength to make it.
That battle is being waged in my own life now. The person of faith and virtue and desire to serve an invisible God, seems to be a mere shadow. I find myself looking, searching, trying desperately to get back to that person, but there is a choice I have to make, and am I willing to make that choice? Do I have the strength to make that choice?
So faced with the Truth, and all other possibilities exhausted, he gives in to this truth. Decides that he will give it a shot. Only to find that there doesn't seem to be anything different about him now. He is still powerless to face his enemies, powerless to help those who need him, powerless to accept himself as a "freak, ostracized by the very people he wants to help". But is his struggle different from our own struggles?
"Once born into childlike faith, brimming with belief, typical people begin to lose their faith. Society mocks them. Their friends smirk. They come to change the world, but over time the world changes them. Soon they forget who they were; they forget the faith they once had. Then one day someone tells them the truth, but they don't want to go back because they are comfortable in their new skin. Being a stranger in this world is never easy. "
Like Johnny, I feel that I've done enough, I've suffered enough, I've sacrificed enough. Why can't I just have what is rightfully mine without the work, without all the struggle? Then it hits me like a brick to the face. It isn't about me anymore.
Because of this world I have conditioned myself to focus on my survival. I am spent and exhausted from being the one who is going to save me. Which brings me back to the title of this blog, Love. What does love have to do with any of this? How can I truely accept who God wants me to be, until I understand and know what love really is? If you have read previous posts, you know that I don't even love myself. How do I learn to love (i'm talking about the love that is referenced in the above scripture) after all these years? If I can't love me, how can I love others? How can I show the love of God to others? My words are as a noisy gong or clanging cymbals.
Hmm...
Where do I start? Matt 22:37-39 says
"37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I just finished one of the best books I've read in a long time! I don't even know how to begin to explain it. But I've gotta try to make sense of the thoughts and stuff running rampant in my head right now!
There is a part towards the end, just before the final climax where the Truth is revealed. But what is interesting is the character's reaction to that truth. "What kind of man would agree to such a thing? A man of virtue. But he didn't feel like a man of virtue. A man of great faith. But he didn't have any faith. A man who was unique and powerful. But he didn't want to be either unique or powerful."
This character, Johnny, goes on to describe himself as a shadow of himself. The person who he started out be, seems to be dead, no longer a part of who he is now. Because of the inward conflict, he struggles with it. He has a choice to make, but cannot seem to find the strength to make it.
That battle is being waged in my own life now. The person of faith and virtue and desire to serve an invisible God, seems to be a mere shadow. I find myself looking, searching, trying desperately to get back to that person, but there is a choice I have to make, and am I willing to make that choice? Do I have the strength to make that choice?
So faced with the Truth, and all other possibilities exhausted, he gives in to this truth. Decides that he will give it a shot. Only to find that there doesn't seem to be anything different about him now. He is still powerless to face his enemies, powerless to help those who need him, powerless to accept himself as a "freak, ostracized by the very people he wants to help". But is his struggle different from our own struggles?
"Once born into childlike faith, brimming with belief, typical people begin to lose their faith. Society mocks them. Their friends smirk. They come to change the world, but over time the world changes them. Soon they forget who they were; they forget the faith they once had. Then one day someone tells them the truth, but they don't want to go back because they are comfortable in their new skin. Being a stranger in this world is never easy. "
Like Johnny, I feel that I've done enough, I've suffered enough, I've sacrificed enough. Why can't I just have what is rightfully mine without the work, without all the struggle? Then it hits me like a brick to the face. It isn't about me anymore.
Because of this world I have conditioned myself to focus on my survival. I am spent and exhausted from being the one who is going to save me. Which brings me back to the title of this blog, Love. What does love have to do with any of this? How can I truely accept who God wants me to be, until I understand and know what love really is? If you have read previous posts, you know that I don't even love myself. How do I learn to love (i'm talking about the love that is referenced in the above scripture) after all these years? If I can't love me, how can I love others? How can I show the love of God to others? My words are as a noisy gong or clanging cymbals.
Hmm...
Where do I start? Matt 22:37-39 says
"37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Exposed
My Sunday school class has been reading Hosea. And there are some things in Hosea that have been piercing my heart. It is, what has prompted this need to lay bare the things that I have kept hidden for so long. I can't fully describe this battle that is raging in my life right now, but I am compelled to share pieces of it; how it all began, the most recent occurances, and hope for how it will end.
May 24, 2008 2:00 am
"I haven't written in so long. I can't sleep. My head is all messed up. I have only been sinking further and further into depression. I'm looking around trying to place blame on something or someone for this, but I've turned away from God, and I don't even know why. So many times He's proven Himself to me, and it's not like He has anyting to prove, but still I demand proof. And when I don't see it I say, "see Im the only one taking care of me..." And I do stupid stuff like getting drunk. Like throwing up, or taking laxatives. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself. How can anyone really love me? Who could really look at me and see potential, see beauty, and really mean it? I still feel so sick, I'm such an idiot! I didn't want it really, but I got angry and depressed and I thought, "what the hell?" It doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference. Noone's gonna care, everyone else says it's okay. Stacy likes me better with a little alchohol. I know he says he doesn't, but he always seems to brighten up if I drink."
"I'm scared. I'm afraid. What if I'm so far removed there is no hope for me? If there is no hope then why waste time with it? I entertain thoughts of crossing the lines. Reaching the point of no return and just never looking back. Why do I do this? What is wrong with me? I should be happy, and yet I always want more. It's never enough to really satisfy me or really make me happy. It's always gone moments later. God how do I get back to you? I want to, but I don't know if I can. I don't think anyone would understand. Why should I care if they understand? Now I'm angry and bitter. Other people are so fake. They say whatever makes them feel better in front of others, but when it's all over is there really any change, or do they go right back to what they were doing before? Only now it's okay because they've confessed it. God, do I ever change? I've gone back and forth so many times, was it ever real? It seemed real at one time in my life. Like there was really something greater than me calling to me, drawing me closer. I felt You so close then, I knew You then, I believed You then, I trusted You then. I was not afraid of anything. Not ridicule or even death. I believed there was something else beyond me, beyond my mortal flesh. I believed that You were real and that You loved me. That You had loved me before I was ever born. Then my world was slowly stripped away, and even now I feel like I'm losing the only things that I have left. I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting."
"Redemption-to redeem, the act of redeeming. It is a continuing process. Hosea took back his wife repeated times. Would anyone take me back? I keep going back to Lloyd and Gary lately. Looking back at all my failed relationships. How easy it is for me to walk away, to turn my back and say I don't need them. "All those who reject me, I reject you!" There that makes it even. I'm not the type of person who needs to have the acceptance of others. If you don't want me, then I don't want you! But I'm lying. Lying to myself and to them. I want to know love. I'm afraid that God will reject me, so I reject Him. Then that makes me the one in control, yet I'm so out of control. I don't know which wa is up or down. I don't think Stacy really wants me anymore, so maybe that is why I reject him so many times."
"I don't like feeling alone, but I can't seem to keep anyone by my side. I think maybe people are afraid of me. I put of thorns and spikes around myself to keep me from being hurt. Maybe I'm just one big thorn bush. Or maybe I'm so beat up and destroyed that people look at me and think I'm a monster, and I'm going to devour them. But I think people are afraid to get close to me. I'm sure there is a sign on my head that says "I'm bitter" and "I'll hurt you if you get too close", sort of like a "Beware of Dog", run the other way. I repel friendships. I repel love."
"Love. Now we come to it. Love. I don't know it. How can I show it? How could my kids ever know it? I'm afraid of what I am doing to them. Will they grow up not knowing love? That's on me. I'm a failure at everything. I'm sure Lloyd thought I was the last person who needed to have kids. I sitll remember how he liked to remind me how immature and irresponsible I was. I've probably not changed since then at all, still irresponsible. And I don't deserve to raise the children I have. 'Children are a reward.' Both times I have feared bringing them into this world. Not because of this world, but because of me. What if they don't love me either? What if I can't love them like they need? What if I can't provide the things they need? After all I'm irresponsible and selfish and I'm a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate this person that You created. Why me? Why did You waste Your time with me? What good am I? What can I do? I am nothing, I am noone, and I am dirt! I hate You for making me!"
"I just want to be someone else. If I were someone else people would love me, I'd be someone. I wouldn't be me.
I don't know why I am sharing this really, except that I keep feeling that I must be laid bare. My heart must be exposed. My heart the most fragile and vulnerable part of my life. So, I lay it bare now. God, my heart is exposed, and that scares me. I fear the judgement and any condemnation that may follow. I know that it is not You who condemns, but I still fear.
May 24, 2008 2:00 am
"I haven't written in so long. I can't sleep. My head is all messed up. I have only been sinking further and further into depression. I'm looking around trying to place blame on something or someone for this, but I've turned away from God, and I don't even know why. So many times He's proven Himself to me, and it's not like He has anyting to prove, but still I demand proof. And when I don't see it I say, "see Im the only one taking care of me..." And I do stupid stuff like getting drunk. Like throwing up, or taking laxatives. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself. How can anyone really love me? Who could really look at me and see potential, see beauty, and really mean it? I still feel so sick, I'm such an idiot! I didn't want it really, but I got angry and depressed and I thought, "what the hell?" It doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference. Noone's gonna care, everyone else says it's okay. Stacy likes me better with a little alchohol. I know he says he doesn't, but he always seems to brighten up if I drink."
"I'm scared. I'm afraid. What if I'm so far removed there is no hope for me? If there is no hope then why waste time with it? I entertain thoughts of crossing the lines. Reaching the point of no return and just never looking back. Why do I do this? What is wrong with me? I should be happy, and yet I always want more. It's never enough to really satisfy me or really make me happy. It's always gone moments later. God how do I get back to you? I want to, but I don't know if I can. I don't think anyone would understand. Why should I care if they understand? Now I'm angry and bitter. Other people are so fake. They say whatever makes them feel better in front of others, but when it's all over is there really any change, or do they go right back to what they were doing before? Only now it's okay because they've confessed it. God, do I ever change? I've gone back and forth so many times, was it ever real? It seemed real at one time in my life. Like there was really something greater than me calling to me, drawing me closer. I felt You so close then, I knew You then, I believed You then, I trusted You then. I was not afraid of anything. Not ridicule or even death. I believed there was something else beyond me, beyond my mortal flesh. I believed that You were real and that You loved me. That You had loved me before I was ever born. Then my world was slowly stripped away, and even now I feel like I'm losing the only things that I have left. I am stripped, I am bare, and I am shamed. There is no cover for me. I am naked and cold, so I go to the world. I will clothe myself and yet all that I do, is not lasting. Nothing is lasting. My life is fleeting."
"Redemption-to redeem, the act of redeeming. It is a continuing process. Hosea took back his wife repeated times. Would anyone take me back? I keep going back to Lloyd and Gary lately. Looking back at all my failed relationships. How easy it is for me to walk away, to turn my back and say I don't need them. "All those who reject me, I reject you!" There that makes it even. I'm not the type of person who needs to have the acceptance of others. If you don't want me, then I don't want you! But I'm lying. Lying to myself and to them. I want to know love. I'm afraid that God will reject me, so I reject Him. Then that makes me the one in control, yet I'm so out of control. I don't know which wa is up or down. I don't think Stacy really wants me anymore, so maybe that is why I reject him so many times."
"I don't like feeling alone, but I can't seem to keep anyone by my side. I think maybe people are afraid of me. I put of thorns and spikes around myself to keep me from being hurt. Maybe I'm just one big thorn bush. Or maybe I'm so beat up and destroyed that people look at me and think I'm a monster, and I'm going to devour them. But I think people are afraid to get close to me. I'm sure there is a sign on my head that says "I'm bitter" and "I'll hurt you if you get too close", sort of like a "Beware of Dog", run the other way. I repel friendships. I repel love."
"Love. Now we come to it. Love. I don't know it. How can I show it? How could my kids ever know it? I'm afraid of what I am doing to them. Will they grow up not knowing love? That's on me. I'm a failure at everything. I'm sure Lloyd thought I was the last person who needed to have kids. I sitll remember how he liked to remind me how immature and irresponsible I was. I've probably not changed since then at all, still irresponsible. And I don't deserve to raise the children I have. 'Children are a reward.' Both times I have feared bringing them into this world. Not because of this world, but because of me. What if they don't love me either? What if I can't love them like they need? What if I can't provide the things they need? After all I'm irresponsible and selfish and I'm a horrible person. I hate myself. I hate this person that You created. Why me? Why did You waste Your time with me? What good am I? What can I do? I am nothing, I am noone, and I am dirt! I hate You for making me!"
"I just want to be someone else. If I were someone else people would love me, I'd be someone. I wouldn't be me.
I don't know why I am sharing this really, except that I keep feeling that I must be laid bare. My heart must be exposed. My heart the most fragile and vulnerable part of my life. So, I lay it bare now. God, my heart is exposed, and that scares me. I fear the judgement and any condemnation that may follow. I know that it is not You who condemns, but I still fear.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
What is my talent?
Matt 25:18, 24&25
"18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.' "
I can remember the first time I heard this parable in sunday school. I thought hard about what Jesus was trying to say to those around him. What was He trying to say to me, and I remember thinking that I would use my talents to give glory God, whatever they may be. As I grew older, I continued to hear this parable taught and preached by many different people, in many different ways. Mostly at some sort of church camp or outreach, with the focus being on the reward of each steward the Master had entrusted with His "talents". I began to see that it was important for me to have some sort of return on these talents God had given me, again, whatever they may be. I don't remember when I began to think about the last steward had done with his one talent, but at some point I began to focus on how he buried it, and didn't gain any sort of return it. Why bury the talent in the dirt? Did he think it would grow into something? It seemed absurd to me.
I gave my life to Christ when I was very young. I was in sunday school, and my mom had taught the lesson that day. We learned about the fruits of the spirit, and how when we were saved God would begin to produce these fruits in our lives. That Jesus was our friend and He helped us and helped the fruit to grow. At the end of the class, my mom very gently and quietly reminded us of how Jesus gave his life and that we could have a very special relationship with Him, all we had to do was ask Him. He would make us clean and because of what He did we could be close to Him and God. I knew at that moment I wanted to be close to God and to Jesus. As she prayed a sinners prayer, I repeated the words, and knew that my life was different some how. Jesus was with me, and He always would be.
Child like faith is a miracle, Idon't know why we lose that faith as we get older. In my life it seems that the older I get the harder my heart becomes. I miss those days where I trusted in God. I knew that God could heal the worst disease, and even raise the dead. I prayed for my classmates out loud and in public. I witnessed to anyone and everyone. I wasn't ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. I knew beyond any shadow of doubt, that if everyone had a relationship with God they could be happy and have peace. I would have shouted from a mountain top, if Texas had any!
With the death of my mom, the countless rejection I faced from people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, and years of piled up hurts I began to slowly dig a hole and bury my life in it. Now, I'm back to the steward with only one talent. Me, my life, is my one talent that God has entrusted to me. Out of fear, I have dug up a hole in the ground and buried it. For some reason I feel comfort in this grave. I think in here noone can hurt me, the world cannot get to me, I am no longer vulnerable. From the bottom of this pit I can finally be at peace. But all I see is my life draining from me.
"18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.' "
I can remember the first time I heard this parable in sunday school. I thought hard about what Jesus was trying to say to those around him. What was He trying to say to me, and I remember thinking that I would use my talents to give glory God, whatever they may be. As I grew older, I continued to hear this parable taught and preached by many different people, in many different ways. Mostly at some sort of church camp or outreach, with the focus being on the reward of each steward the Master had entrusted with His "talents". I began to see that it was important for me to have some sort of return on these talents God had given me, again, whatever they may be. I don't remember when I began to think about the last steward had done with his one talent, but at some point I began to focus on how he buried it, and didn't gain any sort of return it. Why bury the talent in the dirt? Did he think it would grow into something? It seemed absurd to me.
I gave my life to Christ when I was very young. I was in sunday school, and my mom had taught the lesson that day. We learned about the fruits of the spirit, and how when we were saved God would begin to produce these fruits in our lives. That Jesus was our friend and He helped us and helped the fruit to grow. At the end of the class, my mom very gently and quietly reminded us of how Jesus gave his life and that we could have a very special relationship with Him, all we had to do was ask Him. He would make us clean and because of what He did we could be close to Him and God. I knew at that moment I wanted to be close to God and to Jesus. As she prayed a sinners prayer, I repeated the words, and knew that my life was different some how. Jesus was with me, and He always would be.
Child like faith is a miracle, Idon't know why we lose that faith as we get older. In my life it seems that the older I get the harder my heart becomes. I miss those days where I trusted in God. I knew that God could heal the worst disease, and even raise the dead. I prayed for my classmates out loud and in public. I witnessed to anyone and everyone. I wasn't ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. I knew beyond any shadow of doubt, that if everyone had a relationship with God they could be happy and have peace. I would have shouted from a mountain top, if Texas had any!
With the death of my mom, the countless rejection I faced from people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, and years of piled up hurts I began to slowly dig a hole and bury my life in it. Now, I'm back to the steward with only one talent. Me, my life, is my one talent that God has entrusted to me. Out of fear, I have dug up a hole in the ground and buried it. For some reason I feel comfort in this grave. I think in here noone can hurt me, the world cannot get to me, I am no longer vulnerable. From the bottom of this pit I can finally be at peace. But all I see is my life draining from me.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Being pursued
Journal entry dated 05-16-08:
"...All I want is to be seen, noticed, to feel accepted, liked, wanted even. I want to be wanted. To have someone seek me out, search for me, want me..." "I know You say that You want me, You seek me, You search for me, that should be enough, and yet it's not. I don't know what Your or anyone would see in me. Why would anyone want me?"
God you have been pursuing me. I feel you and even though I don't feel worthy of it, You have been speaking to me. What great love You must have for me. Who am I that You would pursue me? That You would come after me with such passion and desire.
And yet I still struggle. Fighting against You, pushing against You, and even denying Your presence all together. Why do I fight against the One who loves me the most? I feel unworthy of such love.
"...All I want is to be seen, noticed, to feel accepted, liked, wanted even. I want to be wanted. To have someone seek me out, search for me, want me..." "I know You say that You want me, You seek me, You search for me, that should be enough, and yet it's not. I don't know what Your or anyone would see in me. Why would anyone want me?"
God you have been pursuing me. I feel you and even though I don't feel worthy of it, You have been speaking to me. What great love You must have for me. Who am I that You would pursue me? That You would come after me with such passion and desire.
And yet I still struggle. Fighting against You, pushing against You, and even denying Your presence all together. Why do I fight against the One who loves me the most? I feel unworthy of such love.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Lyrics
Whatever Your Doing (Something Heavenly)
by: Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender... To...
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Well, I really don't usually just post lyrics or just write them for the sake of writing them, but this song really speaks to me lately. God, I know you are allowing this great chaos that seems to be my life right now. I don't struggle with knowing that it is You, or that You are here with me. My struggle is surrender. You are the wave crashing down around me, and I want so much to just let go and have that peace in the midst of the storm, but I can't. So instead I struggle against You, like a drowning person struggles against the water that seems to be pulling them under. It exhausts my strength, and I only become weaker. Will I drown, will You rescue me?
by: Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender... To...
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Well, I really don't usually just post lyrics or just write them for the sake of writing them, but this song really speaks to me lately. God, I know you are allowing this great chaos that seems to be my life right now. I don't struggle with knowing that it is You, or that You are here with me. My struggle is surrender. You are the wave crashing down around me, and I want so much to just let go and have that peace in the midst of the storm, but I can't. So instead I struggle against You, like a drowning person struggles against the water that seems to be pulling them under. It exhausts my strength, and I only become weaker. Will I drown, will You rescue me?
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Will the real me please stand up?
Well, 7 months later here I am again!!! :)
I'm going to change the format of this blog I think. There is something in me saying I need to open up and share more of who I really am. I can't do that in person, it is way to hard. So, I might try making this blog more like my journal. Yes I do have one, it's very personal and private! See, I like to keep myself hidden, so that people can't hurt me. I'm afraid of their ridicule and I constantly think that others are judging me. I know this sounds alot like paranoia, and maybe it is. So, how do you deal with fear? You face it head on and hope for the best.
Where do I start? I grew up in a small town where nothing really happens. And so I am a boring noone from a boring nowhere town. (How's that for a start?) My momma always told me I could be and do anything if I really put my mind to it. She encouraged me to learn how to play the piano, and keep singing even though my sister would get mad at me. I told her everything, I loved her more than life. I lost her when I was in the 5th grade, and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with, really I still deal with it now. I think had she been there, I would have been a different person, more confident, more secure, better adjusted. But that is not what happened, so I have to move beyond that and take steps to become more confident and more secure and better adjusted, without her. It made me very independent to the point where I don't want help from anyone. But she also encouraged me to write. I still have the poem book she bought me, with all of my first poems (and no I won't share those, too embarassing!).
How does all this tie together? Stacy bought me a keyboard a few years ago, because I suddenly had a compelling desire to play. I couldn't get it out of my head! I was dreaming about playing! I have been messing around with it for sometime, mostly trying to figure out how to play the worship songs from church. Then, maybe a year ago, no less than a year ago, I got sucked into the worship team. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I love to sing, but I don't feel confident in myself. I really do enjoy being a part of the worship team, but I just can't get over this fear of missing a note and everyone hearing it. I aslo suffer from a perfectionist personality, so no mistakes! It really goes deeper than that, but I'll save that for a later date. I don't know why, but lately I have been writing (well attempting to write) songs. I just stand at the keyboard and play till it just comes out. I think God is really trying to get me to open up, I seem to be faced with that everywhere I turn. If I want to do this or that, then I gotta be willing to tell someone why, and elaborate. I feel so afraid. Afraid of getting something wrong or being the wrong person or doing the wrong thing. Remember, I'm just a boring noone from a boring nowhere town.
So, do I put myself out there when everything in me says hide myself away. I can't let people know what a messed up person I am. How I screw up everything. That deep down I feel like a complete failure. I'm even sitting here debating whether or not to really post this. Will I or won't I? HMMM???
I'm going to change the format of this blog I think. There is something in me saying I need to open up and share more of who I really am. I can't do that in person, it is way to hard. So, I might try making this blog more like my journal. Yes I do have one, it's very personal and private! See, I like to keep myself hidden, so that people can't hurt me. I'm afraid of their ridicule and I constantly think that others are judging me. I know this sounds alot like paranoia, and maybe it is. So, how do you deal with fear? You face it head on and hope for the best.
Where do I start? I grew up in a small town where nothing really happens. And so I am a boring noone from a boring nowhere town. (How's that for a start?) My momma always told me I could be and do anything if I really put my mind to it. She encouraged me to learn how to play the piano, and keep singing even though my sister would get mad at me. I told her everything, I loved her more than life. I lost her when I was in the 5th grade, and it was the hardest thing I ever dealt with, really I still deal with it now. I think had she been there, I would have been a different person, more confident, more secure, better adjusted. But that is not what happened, so I have to move beyond that and take steps to become more confident and more secure and better adjusted, without her. It made me very independent to the point where I don't want help from anyone. But she also encouraged me to write. I still have the poem book she bought me, with all of my first poems (and no I won't share those, too embarassing!).
How does all this tie together? Stacy bought me a keyboard a few years ago, because I suddenly had a compelling desire to play. I couldn't get it out of my head! I was dreaming about playing! I have been messing around with it for sometime, mostly trying to figure out how to play the worship songs from church. Then, maybe a year ago, no less than a year ago, I got sucked into the worship team. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I love to sing, but I don't feel confident in myself. I really do enjoy being a part of the worship team, but I just can't get over this fear of missing a note and everyone hearing it. I aslo suffer from a perfectionist personality, so no mistakes! It really goes deeper than that, but I'll save that for a later date. I don't know why, but lately I have been writing (well attempting to write) songs. I just stand at the keyboard and play till it just comes out. I think God is really trying to get me to open up, I seem to be faced with that everywhere I turn. If I want to do this or that, then I gotta be willing to tell someone why, and elaborate. I feel so afraid. Afraid of getting something wrong or being the wrong person or doing the wrong thing. Remember, I'm just a boring noone from a boring nowhere town.
So, do I put myself out there when everything in me says hide myself away. I can't let people know what a messed up person I am. How I screw up everything. That deep down I feel like a complete failure. I'm even sitting here debating whether or not to really post this. Will I or won't I? HMMM???
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